LAKE VERNOR --Things are really humming around the World Hindquarters of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World-Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd. Everybody is excited about the new Daily newspaper we were starting. The Lake Vernor News-Herald & Courier- Gazette and Weekly Shoppers Sheet was going to be Lake Vernor's very first newspaper.
    Everybody was hard at work getting things ready for the paper's debut.
    Editor-in-Grief, West Sandusky Fred was at one end of the kitch ... er ... world Headquarters, dictionary in hand, teaching big words to Cujo Mike (Fire Dept. and Emergency Run Editor), Mack Murphy (Political Extremity Editor), Mr. Kent (Crime Reporter) and Junior Olson (Disaster Reporter).
     Newly hired publisher and Quilting Editor, Aunt Ida Olnic was at the other end of the kitchen with Lois Playne, Girl Reporter (Life and Death Editor). Miss Penny Hainey (City/State/Local/Interplanetary Editor) and Dacey May Schmidlapp (Typist and massage therapist) cutting up pieces of my old clothing (it's the only kind I have) for quilting patches.
     I guess I should back up a little here and explain that the Lake Vernor News- Herald & Courier-Gazette and Weekly Shoppers Sheet is not only going to be Lake Vernor's first daily newspaper, it's also going to be the world's first daily newspaper published as a quilt. We can't afford a printing press right now (among a lot of other things). And Aunt Ida just happens to be the world's fastest quilter, so the answer to at least one of our problems was solved. Aunt Ida would quilt each edition of the paper and then one of us would run down to the drugstore and photocopy it.
     Of course, I was more excited than anybody because all my trusted minions were, for once, busy working and not raiding my refrigerator. At the moment I had nothing better to do, which as CEO of the GBICWWMM,L, is my job. So I wandered over to see how Aunt Ida etal. were doing.
     Aunt Ida looked up at me as I approached.
    "Say Boss," she said to me, "Did you ever wash these clothes? We've ruined 3 pairs of scissors and we don't even have enough patches for a front page yet!"
    Ignoring her remark, I made a random and arbitrary remark, "It's awful quiet around here. You girls want me to turn on the radio?"
     Well, if looks could kill I would have been a herd of dead elephants. So without another word I went over to the radio and turned it on.
     Since it was noon, and news time, the dulcet tones of local radio personality Mallory "Stutz" Bearcat came wafting over the air waves.
     "And on the lighter side of local news, word comes to us from the Kootahatchies Dam that it is about to break, with the resulting unleashing of the Kootahatchies River. Authorities at the dam site are concerned that this would cause the Kootahatchies to flow into Vernor Lake, filling it with water for the first time in 30 years. Experts are concerned that this would result in backed up drains and mud puddles in low lying front yards. Residents of Lake Vernor are advised to dust off their galoshes and are advised that yellow door hangers will be placed on homes in affected areas."
     On the other side of the room, West Sandusky Fred jumped into action. He grabbed his pool cue and rapped Junior Olson on the head several times to get everyone's attention.
     "Olson!!!!! Grab your camera and get me pictures. Get as close as you can! I want you on top of the story. Get on top of the dam and get me pictures when it bursts! Get me those dam pictures!!!!!
     "Kent!!!!!! I want you to stand by the kitchen window and listen for Olson's cries for help.
     "Is the front page down yet? GET ME RE- QUILT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

NEXT WEEK: In search of a CPR Editor.

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