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Shooting Down An Ugly Rumor and An Ugly LifeLAKE VERNOR, Ohio -- I would like to put to rest the rumor that is floating around my kitch... uh ...that is ... the World Hindquarters of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Limited (GBICWWMM,L) that yours truly is going to be nominated by President-Elect George Quincy Bush to the post of Secretary of Labor. Nothing could be further (farther?) from the truth. Nothing!I would hesitate to take the chance for the simple fact that Larry L. "Lawrence" Playne, Boy Builder, is using illegal aliens to build the Grumpy Bowl and Shopping Mall. And these aliens are the real things; illegal aliens from the planet Gnxrnrn. They are good workers and work cheap. But they are, nonetheless, illegal. And, if truth be told, I would rather be rich than to go into labor. I have too many irons in the fire anyway. And if the public knew about any of those irons, it would probably disqualify me from more than just a cabinet post. First and foremost among those red-hot irons is the Lake Vernor News-Herald & Courier-Gazette and Weekly Shoppers Sheet. I have just hired an out of work newspaper publisher to run the paper. She goes by the name of Aunt Ida Olnic and she assures me that she is perfect for the job because she can supply her own quilts. I have yet to figure out what she means by that, but then, there's an awful lot about life that I haven't figured out yet. Oh, they're nice quilts and all that. In fact, she managed to sell one to each member of the GBICWWMM,L. It did take a while to explain to her the Grumpy Bachelor method of payment, IOU chits. But after I showed her that these IOUs were no different, at least in theory, from real money because they too, were merely promises of payment, she seemed satisfied. I feel blessed that I keep finding people of this caliber and level of intelligence to assist me in my life's work. In fact it's frightening. As Mack Murphy, Political Extremity Editor for the LVNH&CG and WSS puts it: "Grumps. I think th' 'hole resta the world done made a pac' with the devil while you was out sittin' on the can." I told you there was a lot I don't understand and Mack is a case in point. But I think some day, and this is assuming that the universe is infinite, we will figure out what he is talking about and he will be recognized as one hell of a writer. So as I sit here (on a regular chair) writing this, Aunt Ida is in one corner of the kitch ... uh, executive suite with Lois Playne, Miss Penny, Blondie and Dacey May looking at quilts and West Sandusky Fred has taken Mr. Kent, Mack and Cujo Mike to another corner where they are busily tring to memorize the dictionary. That leaves me the choice of two other corners. So for now I will choose one, put my thumb in my mouth and meditate for a while. Next Week: Tune in when Aunt Ida says, "Sonny, you don't need a printing press for your little scandal sheet. We'll put it on a quilt!"
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