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The Lake Vernor Music & Arts & Wheero Festival, which we shall henchforth refer to simply as "The Festival" to save wear and tear on my Commodore 64, is an outgrowth of a justifiably forgotten event called The Lake Vernor Days of Montazuma Sidewalk Sale. This was an event the merchants put on once a year during the hottest days of August in a valiant attempt to actually sell some of their wares. The sidewalk sale died out from lack of interest, mostly on the part of the Lake Vernor Inner City Merchants Association, not to mention the outside world. The only merchants left in Lake Vernor these days are, the Halfmast Tavern, the Code 4 Cafe & Pharmacy and The Pink Pussy Cat - Live! - Live! - Live! The Code 4 Cafe would put more money in the coffers of the Jethro Jct. Community Health Center than in Lake Vernor's economy. You might think the Pink Pussy Cat, which advertises that it uses only local "talent", would be a good drawing card until you realize that there is no one in Lake Vernor under the age of 49; soon to be 50. As for the Halfmast, it has been under constant redecoration for the last 5 years owing to the difficulty of getting enough purple paint to redo the interior. The Lake Vernor Disgruntled Citizen's Committee is unofficially in charge of planning for "The Festival" and hopes to have all the loose ends tied up in time to hold it sometime in late December or early March. In this observer's opinion, March is rather optimistic because the committee itself is pretty much a collection of loose ends. Be that as it may, plans are stumbling along and the general theme of "The Festival" is more or less in place. A little background is in order at this point. No one in Lake Vernor is quite sure where the Mexican motif came from. There are no references to Tiajuana or Montezuma in the history of the town. And you would almost have to be in Canada, or Michagan perhaps, to be any farther away from Mexico than Lake Vernor. Most Lake Vernorites think Michagan is in Canada anyway. Perhaps the Mexican connection came from a desire for a warmer climate. The town seems to be a rest stop on the jet stream for the Alberta Clipper. Even in the summer, or the cloudy season as it is known in Lake Vernor, the temperature rarely gets about 70; except during the former Monazuma sale when the temperature and humidity always seemed to be in the high 90s. Wheero is another matter. Wheero is a locally brewed sort of Tequila with special secret ingredients that make it something quite apart from the traditional Mexican variety. Wheero in not so much imbibed as inhaled. The favorite method for partaking Wheero is to put a little bit in a saucer, putting it in an open window and waiting for a breeze. When the breeze catches the fumes from Wheero, the occupant of the room inhales deeply until the desired effect is achieved. Three deep breaths will usually result in a 3 or 4 day stupor. Wheero is also good for killing any flies that are unfortunate enough to be in the room at the time. It is the feeling of the committee that if enough Wheero is available on the first day of the festival, no further planning will be necessary. Next: CARNIVALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't figure out what the Hell we're talking about? Well,
you are just going to have to go back and read the previous editions of
the Exclusive Online Grumpy Bachelor® columns.
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