The Grumpy Bachelor Starts a Newspaper

(12/22/00)

LAKE VERNOR, Ohio -- Lake Vernor is known, by those few who do know it, for two things. The first is that it is the sleepiest little town north of the Rio Grande and second (and most importantly) as the location of the World Hindquarters of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide, Mega-Monopoly, Ltd. Although neither of those is anything to brag about, at least there are two things.
    The centerpiece of the town is the commercial district, housed in the newly completed Grumpy Bowl and Mall. This is a state-of-the-art combination domed stadium and indoor shopping center. It is, or will be, the home of The Halfmast Tavern and Pink-Drink Lounge, World Headquarters of The International Foot-Fetish Society, headed by GBICWWMM,L alumnus Blondie Westtham, the Temple of Toast, run by another ex-denizin of the GBICWWMM,L, Miss Penny Hainey, and several other exciting enterprises to be announced any day now. Next to the Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection of Really Nice Clothes For Men, it is the proudest achievement of the GBICWWMM,L. At least to date.
     I say "to date" because I am proud as punch to announce that the GBICWWMM,L will soon be launching yet another county-shaking enterprise; one that fills a long neglected niche in the nether zones of Lake Vernor. For, in spite of it's many amenities, i.e. two street lamps, a public unisex restroom on the town square, oppressive quietness and the afore-mentioned Grumpy Bowl and Mall; the one thing that it has lacked for many years is its own newspaper. This is all about to change!
     The GBICWWMM,L is ecstatic to announce the debut of Lake Vernor's first daily newspaper, The Lake Vernor News-Herald & Courier-Gazette and Weekly Shopper's Sheet.
     We were all sitting around my kitchen, which is serving as the temporary World Hindquarters of the GBICWWMM,L. while the Grumpy Bowl and Mall is being completed. Everybody was extremely excited about the new project and, in fact, things were starting to get a bit out of hand until sargent-at-arms and Editor in Chief, West Sandusky Fred started whacking people with his pool cue. I chose W.S. as Editor for just this reason, his polished skills in employee relations and crowd control. Miss Penny was lured back from her full time duties running the Temple of Toast, to serve as City Editor, Mack Murphy was chosen as Political Extremety Editor, Lois Playne, girl reporter as Life and Death Editor in charge of Lifestyles and Obituary pages, Cujo Mike was namedfire and ambulance reporter, Mr. Kent as crime reporter, J.B. "Boise" Idahow as law reporter and corporate councel, Dasey May Schmidlapp as entertainment writer, Thomas "Red" Ruffinsorr would be Sports and Cheerleader Editor and The Grumpy Grandson, Cain "Jimmy Olson" Shoemaker, drew the assignment as disaster reporter. Yours truly would share duties as news photographer with veteran daguerretypist Homer Boatly.
     When W.S. finally restored order, Mack Murphy was the first to speak up.
      "Boss, I don't know much about the newspaper business, but I don't even see any pencils or paper lying around."
     "Are you trying to tell me something, Mack?" I said.
     "A-zackly!"

Next Week: What Mack was trying to say (if any of us can figure it out, that is.)

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