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Out of The Mailbag
Dear Grumpy Bachelor, My cat has a curious habit . When I a m sleeping at night, it tries to curl up on my face, covering up my mouth and nose so that I can't breath. Why does it do this? Perplexed Dear Perplexed, It is a little known fact that cats can breath through their ears. They
think that you can, too. If you don't believe me try sticking your fingers
in your cat's ears sometime and see what kind of reaction you get. Dear Grumpy Bachelor, I am 7-years-old and in the second grade. I really think your stories in the paper are funny. I read them and roll on the floor and hold my sides. Some of my friends don't think your stories are funny, but they are all in the third grade. I have a science question, and since the paper doesn't have a science editor, I thought maybe you could answer it for me. We learned in school today that the Earth is round, like a ball. If this is so, why don't people on the bottom of the Earth fall off? Puzzled Dear Puzzled, You are laboring under a common misconception. People are falling off the Earth all the time. Think about this; we are told that the population of the Earth is about 6 billion. Now take a look around you. How many people do you see? Not many, I am sure. How many people did you see all day? Maybe 300 at most, I would venture to guess. That's nowhere close to 6 billion. Why is this? It is because approximately half the 6 billion people have
actually fallen off the Earth. Half of 6 billion is a lot closer to 300.
Dear Grumpy Bachelor, I want to make overnight hummus and I want it NOW! I can't wait overnight, I can't wait for anything! I must know the secret to instant overnight hummus. I KNOW that there is such a thing and I KNOW that YOU are hiding the secret. Do I make myself clear? Some nights I dream that I am roasting beer nuts in my microwave. Other nights I am a swan swimming in a sea of some sort of dark lager beer. What does this all mean? Jean Luc Magillicuddy Dear JL You must have a lot of time on your hands. Cutting out all those individual letters from newspapers and magazines and pasting each one of them to the side of a brown paper bag can be very time consuming. And some of the letters are so teeny! However, I can only give you a B+. Signing your name in crayon is cheating. Anyway, don't worry, spring training is just around the corner. Until
then try painting a Yankees logo on your wall and ... well ... I am sure
you can think of something to do to it. George Breithaupt is a copy editor, photographer and now, a weekly columnist for the Mount Vernon News. (Oy Vay!). We wish he would stick his head in a micro wave. He says he can't because his head is too big. Fat is more like it. |
It's been a while since I've reached into the old mailbag,
and I have managed to do it again without getting bitten. One thing before
we get to the letters; it seems as though many of you are addressing your
Grumpy Bachelor letters to occupant. Generally, those letters are routed to the Lifestyle reporter.
Please address any Grumpy Bachelor letters to my attention. Also, please
be advised that ANY bulky envelope will be immersed in a bucket
of water before it is opened. If there is no bucket handy it will be given
to the student intern to open. Now, let's look at some letters.