Grumpy Kitchens

The Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World-Wide Mega-Monopoly, Limited, is proud to announce that it is forming a new bachelor foods division. The purpose of this new venture by the GBICWWMM,L is to provide a service aimed directly at the bachelor-on-the-go who does not have the time, inclination or the "GOD-given common sense every woman is born with" to fix his own meals. The goal is to provide safe, non-flammable, low toxicity, easy-to-fix meals with a bachelor's particular taste preferences in mind.

While this has entailed getting waivers from numerous health departments around the world, we, at the GBICWWMM,L are hopeful that we will be able to introduce our food line at the same time as the Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection, possibly sometime next August or September.

Heading up the new food division will be the Belle of the Halfmast Tavern, Miss Penelope Hainey. As you well remember, (liar!) Miss Penny, as she is affectionately known at the Halfmast, is a former Home-ec teacher who was forced to find another line of work when the state legislature enacted health codes. She became a fixture at the Halfmast, sitting in the corner writing original operas and, from time to time, singing for her supper.

Miss Penny even tried to form her own performing group. But there is not much interest in original opera productions in Mount Vernon and "THE Penny Heavy Opera Company" was a dismal failure. But opera's loss was the hungry bachelor's gain.

Miss Penny will be in charge of the research and development kitchen and will also be chief editor in the food division's cookbook publishing arm.

The first in the cookbook series will be an anthology, "Leather in the Kitchen; or How to Beat, Whip and Mash Your Food Into Submission."

She will also be in charge of editing a new diet book by Yours-Truly titled,

"THE COFFEE DIET!!!"

The new Grumpy Bachelor test kitchen is currently being equipped with new, gleaming white stoves, pristine refrigerators, giant beer coolers and the latest in gamma-wave ovens (courtesy of the People's Republic of the Planet Gnxrnrn, but more on that later).

Some of the projects under development are:

  • a non-shedding cheese puff
  • instant overnight hummus
  • taco flavor broccoli
  • non-fat pork rinds
  • edibile pizza boxes
  • freeze-dried half-pounder cheese deluxe burger- buddy sandwiches (just add hot tap water, no need to boil)
  • a genetically engineered potato chip that will withstand the pressure existing at the bottom of a 50-gallon drum,
  • beer-sicles
  • beer-flavored mouthwash (Alright, so this isn't a food! So you try writing one of these things every week! I thought of it this morning on my way to work and wanted to use it before I forgot it. I am at the age where the old short-term memory ...)

Now, where was I? Oh yes, and that's how I cleaned my attic!

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the attic or, "Where's the @#!&# ladder."

George Breithaupt is a photographer, reporter and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. Please believe us that he has NOTHING to do with choosing recipes for the Lifestyle pages!