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Cleaning The Attic Part MCMXLVII
But now it's time to get back to reality. My attic, such as it is, really needs cleaning and this time I am prepared. I have arranged for breakfast to be delivered from La Chien Chaud, Mount Vernon and Knox County's finest French restaurant, L'escargot on a biscuit with sausage gravy and (of course) French fries. I never had that before (The l'escargot I mean. I had sausage gravy and French fries once.). I was assured that if I liked chicken I would love this. If it's any good I will see if we can add it to the GBICWWMM.L line of fast foods for bachelors. It should be a good seller; L'escargot sounds kind of like a snazzy sports car, don't you think? To assure that I get up in time for, at the very least, breakfast, I will not feed the cats before I go to bed. This guarantees that I will not be allowed to sleep past 2:37 a.m. Of course that means that I will have to bolt the bedroom door, bar the windows and turn the radio up as high as it will go. Otherwise, I will get no sleep at all. Next thing I really should do is check that the little trap door in the hallway ceiling really goes to the attic. Now I can hear you all saying, "if you've never been in your attic, how do you know it needs cleaning?" I know that's what you are saying; the neighbor's dog told me so. To answer your question, if it's mine, it needs cleaning. If I'm going to get up there, I'm going to need a ladder or something to stand on. Since I am lucky I even know how to SPELL ladder, I need to find something to stand on. The diningroom table probably won't fit in the hallway. I'd probably put my foot right through the cardboard anyway. My filing cabinets might be tall enough, but they are full of empty pop bottles and old cheese cracker boxes from the last time I cleaned out my office. Consequently, they are too heavy to move. (One of these days I will regale all of you with the story of cleaning out my office. I might even make a series out of it. How does "Tales From the Crypt" sound? Or maybe "Grumpy's Inferno?") While rummaging around in my office, I come across seven or eight things I was looking for last week, including a manuscript of a book that I started several years ago. It was a travel book titled. "Affordable Vacations for a Family of Twelve; or Hell on $5 a Day." Shoot! All I really need to do is update that to $15 and it's ready to go to the publisher. Gosh! I wonder what other neat stuff I have buried on my desk. Oops! A 1990 census form. Now I'm not so sure I want to see what other surprises are there. Of course, the lights are still on so it couldn't be that bad. So, leaving the desk for another weekend, I go out to the store-room to see if there's anything there that I could stand on. Wow! What a mess! How in the world am I ever going to fit all the stuff in the attic back here? Maybe I can rearrange some of the stuff and make some room. After a few minutes of doing that I make a mental note to only buy things that are square, from now on. They will store much more efficiently. Well whaddaya know! There's my old fishing pole. This weekend is supposed to be pretty nice. I'll call up Mikey and see if he wants to go fishing. Good thing I didn't have anything important planned for this weekend!
NEXT WEEK: Cleaning out under the bed, Or, The Day of the Triffids. George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and writer for the Mount Vernon News. He seems to be having short term memory problems. Not only that, but he seems to be having short term memory problem, too. Maybe he'll forget where he works. It would also be nice if his short term memory problems cause him to forget where he works. (Editor's note: We didn't have time to write a tagline for the Grumpy Bachelor this week, so we let him write it himself. We hope he doesn't forget to do it!) George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and writer for the Mount Vernon News. He seems to be having short term memory problems. Not only that, but he seems to be having short term memory problem, too. Maybe he'll forget where he works. It would also be nice if his short term memory problems cause him to forget where he works. (Editor's note: We didn't have time to write a tagline for the Grumpy
Bachelor this week, so we let him write it himself. We hope he doesn't
forget to do it!) |
Well, It's been a busy and exciting month, what with
everything that's going on at the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel
and World-Wide Mega Monopoly. Limited (GBIC WWMM,L) and my wildly successful
recipe contest.