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January 22 column (NOTE: Written just after the State of the Union Address)
"Grumpy Bachelor, I need your help," said the voice. "I need it badly." "You know I'd do anything to help you or the country, Mr. President," I lied. "What's the problem?" "I'm in a terrible jam, Grumpy ol' buddy. and I need your help. I paid some compliments to one of my interns and now Congress is after my (anatomy deleted). What do I do?" "Have you considered telling the truth, Bubba, ol' buddy?" "Get real, Grumpy. I'm the President of the United States, I have tradition to uphold." "Well I really think you should have at least shown a little more discretion, Bubba." "But Grumpy, it's lonely at the top!" "Lonely, Bubba? It sounds more like Grand Central Station from what I've heard. You really didn't have to go that far to emulate JFK." There was a long silence before the President spoke again. "But that IS what I admired about President Kennedy. I didn't really want to be president. It just seemed like a great way to meet women." "So what does Hilary think about all of this?" I said hoping to bring this conversation to a screeching halt. "Oh she just walks around the house saying, 'We are NOT amused.' What does she mean by 'we' Grumpy?" There was a long silence before I spoke again. "Haven't the slightest, Bubba." "But why are they doing this to me Grumpy? I'm just a normal male human being with normal male human urges." "I think, Bubba, that they want more than a normal man, they want a god." "Well, then why don't they elect somebody like Billy Graham or Jerry Falwell?" "A god, Bubba, not a preacher." "So Grumpy, old buddy, what do I DO!" "Here's what I think you should do Bubba. You need to make a big psychological strike at Congress. Get as many Senators and Congressman as possible together in one place. Make sure all the TV networks, newspaper reporters, and radio news teams are there too. They are still tradition-bound to show the President (that's you Bubba) the respect that the office is due. Then make a speech declaring that everything is great. The budget is balanced, you're going to save Social Security, there's full employment and you want tax credits for parents that stay home to care for their children. Make the people happy and your enemies uncomfortable." "That's wonderful advice, Grumpy, ol' buddy. I'll tell them everything's just great and I'm gonna do all this great stuff for them!" "Yeah, one more lie isn't
going to hurt. Thank you Mr. President"
(click).
NEXT WEEK:
The column I was going to write THIS
week.
George Breithaupt is a
photographer, reporter and columnist
for the
Mount Vernon News. Up
to now he was laboring under the
delusion
that he was Dave Barry. Now he
thinks he's Art Buchwald. Rest easy
guys!
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That the
call came at all was not unexpected.
That
it was so long in coming was a
bit of a surprise. The voice on the
other
end of the phone had that
familiar soft, slightly southern drawl
but with
a somewhat higher pitch than
one heard on the TV or radio. The
tension
was obvious.