The Staff Meeting

"Spring is just around the corner! " You hear that everywhere you go these days, don 't you? You do? Well, let me know where you are hearing that because I 'm not.

But spring will be here soon and I thought it was time to reassemble the crack Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection design team and get them back to work.

Luckily, they were all able to make bail and after a night in the sauna, were ready to go.

We were all sitting around the conference table in The Grumpy Bachelor World Headquarters, also known as the kitchen.

"Gentlemen," I began. They all looked at each other and got up to leave.

"No, no, sit down. I 'm talking to YOU."

"Geez Boss, we thought youse wuz talkin 'ta' somebody else," said West Sandusky Fred, head of the crack GB design team. "we dinent wanna disturb yas."

"It was just a figure of speech, WS, you know, a euphemism."

"There he goes talkin' French again," piped up Cujo Mike. "Dat burns me up."

It's statements like that from Cujo that always has everybody diving for cover. Cujo is a "reformed" pyromaniac, who still grows teary eyed whenever somebody lights a match. CM is naturally in charge of designing smoking jackets and our special line of charcoal trousers, vests and sport coats.

After I coaxed everybody out from under the table, I tried to get down to the business at hand.

"All right everybody, let 's get down to the business at hand. Show me what you got."

I should know better than to say something like that. I never saw so many brass knuckles, blackjacks and switchblades in my life.

"I mean what have you come up with in the way of new designs for our spring clothing line?"

A hand was hesitantly raised. It was Mack Murphy, the newest member of our design team.

"I got some ties I wuz workin ' on Boss," said Mack, holding up four of his creations.

"That 's great, Mack. Gosh, I never knew there were that many colors. It even looks like you invented several new ones, too. Anybody got any Dramamine?"

"Here ya go Grumps."

It was Lacey Magillicuddy. Lacey, who usually holds forth behind the bar at the Halfmast Tavern, serves as a consultant to the design team. Lacey is the epitome of class and good taste. Her instincts for color and coordination are flawless. I feel that having a woman's viewpoint is essential to the success of a line of clothing that is going to be purchased almost exclusively by bachelors. Needless to say, anything that Lacey hates, we immediately put into production.

"Will this be enough?" she said holding out her hand.

I swallowed the handful she gave me and told Mack to start production on the ties immediately. I don't always need Magillicuddy's input.

Next I called on West Sandusky Fred.

"Fred," I said, "If you are finished with all those empty pop cans would you please throw them away."

"Geez Boss, them ain 't empty pop cans. There 're a new line of accessories I designed."

"OK Fred, I'll bite. What are they supposed to be? "

"Bachelor ashtrays!" he said with a big grin on his face.

Genius! That 's why Fred is the head of the design team. It 's the kind of thinking that will get us all time-shares next to some bowling alley in Cleveland.

"Alright Cujo, you 're next. What do you have? "

Cujo held up his latest creation.

"I gotta hand it to you, Cujo, I 've never seen a yellow plaid tent before. "

"Naw! This ain 't no tent. It 's Bermuda shorts. "

"Oh, now I see. But what 's that sticking out of the pockets? "

"Them 's the black knee- socks that come with each pair of shorts. "

By now Magillicuddy was in a coma and I knew that the Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection was going to be the hit of the spring fashion season. "Gentlemen ... sit down, sit down ... I am proud of you. You have outdone yourselves. This has been a most successful session. According to the terms of your work-release agreements, we should be able to meet again at this time next month. I look forward to seeing you then. Now get that stuff outta here. I've got to try and revive Magillicuddy. "

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the Attic

George Breithaupt is a photographer and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. He is not now, nor will he ever be, our fashion critic.