Spring cleaning for bachelors

Hello again, all you happy bachelors. In my last article I told you how to clean out your refrigerator. By now you are probably flush with success and with the knowledge that you can now chill a whole six-pack at one time AND have room for beer nuts too.

Now it's time for a more challenging project; the rest of your apartment. It IS 1998 after all, and there are less than two years left in the current millennium. I think it's about time you did something about it.

Oh, I can hear you saying, "What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with my place. I got it just the way I like it."

Yeah right. Just take a look around. Your TV is so dirty all the programs look like they are in black and white; your carpet needs mowing and the health department has classified your apartment Do Not Resuscitate. Let's face it, your place would make a vulture nervous. So, let's get at it.

Unfortunately, there are no easy short-cuts for this project. Blasting permits are increasingly hard to come by and that isn't a real solution since it only rearranges the mess. You are just going to have to do it the hard way.

In addition to the usual tools; hammer and chisel, blow torch and jack hammer, you are going to need two tools that you may not be familiar with. The first is called a mop. This is a long stick with a sponge at one end. The other is a bucket that has never had paint or spackle in it.

Oh, I KNOW you have a spackle bucket because I know you have hosted at least one Super Bowl and/or New Years Eve party. But don't throw your spackle bucket away. You might find it useful for hauling large chunks of sod out of the apartment.

OK, Let's get started. First you take the mop and you. uh.. well I think you take the..uh. No, I think you do something with the bucket first. This is starting to get complicated, isn't it? Why don't you go out to the kitchen and look at the fine job you did on the fridge. Maybe THAT will give you some inspiration.

There you go! Doesn't that look nice? A whole six- pack, in the carton with all the bottles upright. And there's a whole bowl of beer-nuts too. You really need to do some thinking about this latest project. Why don't you grab yourself a brewski? While you're at it, grab a handful of the beer-nuts and put them in the micro-wave. Better use a plate, though. Those little buggers will be pretty hot when they come out.

When the nuts are done, put them on the kitchen table within easy reach. sit down, put up your feet and crack open that brew. You'll have this problem solved in no time. After all, when a man has serious thinking to do, all he really needs is cold beer and warm nuts.

NEXT TIME: Preparing a romantic candle light dinner for that special some one in your life; OR how to choose the right malt liquor to perfectly complement the Pizza Palace lasagna that you are going to pretend you cooked yourself.

George Breithaupt claims to be a photographer, copy editor and writer for the News. We keep changing the locks but that doesn't work, so we humor him. He's also, still a bachelor.