Back to Business

    It's good to be back from the Great Grumpy 50th column (more or less) Commerative Undersea Expedition. We all have our land legs back and the fog blindness is slowly lifting. I had left Thomas "Red" Ruffinsor in charge of the GBICWWMM,L while we were gone and he had been busy.
     First thing he had done was to let C. Landsend Throckmorton go. C. had written a catalog for the Grumpy University that nobody could understand and "Red" decided that this working relationship was not going to work. It is a fine measure of "Red's" kindness, though that he didn't just fire him. He also arranged for C. to get a new job job inspecting the water mains in Gambier.
    "Red" then took it upon himself to hire a new Public Relations Director, one Mervin K. Ferderber, a graduate of the School of Journalism at GEDU.
     I asked "Red" where GEDU was and he said, "That's where I went."
    I let it go at that.
     "Red" had also gotten the cheerleaders to the advanced stage of their training, which consisted of the obstacle course with live ammo.
    When we returned he had just finished practice and was giving a pep talk to the survivors. After practice, he brought me up to date on everything.
Ferderber had rewritten the course catalog and had started in on several dormant GBICWWMM.L projects. So it is with great pride and a measure of surprise that I announce that the "Grumpy Bachelor Cookbook" is now ready for publication.
    We have managed to get our attorneys back in from the 14th story ledge and they have given publication of the cookbook their blessing just as long as we "keep the windows open."
    So, for you, my loyal readers (the ones still awake), I present what is usually called a teaser, or preview of my own favorite chapter in the book:

The Story of Coffee

    I love coffee. It is what keeps me alive. If you don't believe that just ask any one who has seen me first thing in the morning and lived to tell about it.
     My research, to this point anyway, shows that coffee was invented in 1966, the same year I started college. At least that was when I first became aware of it. I have fond memories of those early days of coffee discovery and the unlimited refills in the student cafeteria. It was in the student cafeteria that I discovered the many varieties of coffee, starting on Monday mornings with a very light and delicate blend. Each succeeding day of the week brought a different, stronger, headier brew, finishing up on Friday with an exotic variety that had a syrupy, slightly fermented bouquet.
     Be that as it may, here is all you need to know about coffee:

Instant Coffee: Usually available in jars of 4, 8, or 16 ounces.
Pros:
  & nbsp; *Can be used directly out of the jar.
    *Can also be used directly out of the jar to make a tasty drink.
    *Is quick and easy to make once you get the hang of it.

Cons:
    *Expensive
    *Spills easily
    *Jar is usually empty at 6:01 a.m.

Ground Coffee: Usually available in cans of 11.5, 13, 15 or 33.5 ounces (Go figure!) Pros:
    *Tastes better once you get the hang of making it.
Cons:
    *Expensive
    *Spills easily
    *Can is usually empty at 6:01 a.m.
    *Harder to make (unless the can is empty, then you get out the old jar of instant and chip out enough for at least one cup.)

Whole bean coffee: Available in bags ranging in size from 11 ounces to 100 lbs.
Pros:
     *Looks nice on the shelf
     *Impresses dates
Cons:
     *Expensive
     *Spills easily
     *Do you have several more hours?

Usage: Instant coffee is for first thing in the morning. Boil water and add spoonful of coffee. Hint: It DOES NOT help to boil the water the night before unless you really like cold coffee. Ground coffee is for making the night before. Under no circumstances should you wait for morning to make brewed coffee. It will be a total disaster. I tried it once and wound up having to put the cat to sleep. (Don't ask!) One of the disadvantages to brewing coffee is that it requires a machine. Machines are the bane of my life. And not only does it require a machine, but you have to put things together. You have to take a coffee filter (if you can pull out just one, then bless you), fill it with coffee and insert it in the proper receptacle. First thing in the morning????? Yeah, right!!!
     But if you insist on doing it this way, there are two types of coffee filters:
    P aper filters come in packs of 20 to 200.
Pros:
     *Inexpensive
     *Cheap
     *Don't cost a lot of money
Cons:
     *Bet you can't use just one
     *Spill easily
     *Box is usually empty at 6:01 a.m.
     Permanent filters are widely available now.
Pros:
     *Can be used over and over again
     *Never run out of filters
Cons:
     *Need to be washed occasionally
     *Spill easily
     *Can't remember where you put it at 6:02 a.m.
     Brewing a good cup of coffee is an art. The thing that makes it difficult is that "good" coffee is a matter of personal taste. If you make it at home just for yourself, you can experiment. If you have been elected to be the coffee maker at work, you might as well shoot yourself now.
     Let's assume that you make it for yourself, though, so put the gun away. Regardless of whether you use instant or are a masochist and brew it, the same techniques apply to zeroing in on coffee that you like. If your coffee is too weak and has a light, tea-like color it means you didn't use enough coffee. Solution: use more coffee.
     If your coffee is too strong it means you used too much coffee. Solution: use less coffee.
     If your coffee is rough and dry, you used it straight from the jar. Solution: Have some cola in the fridge to wake you up enough to think straight.
     If your coffee is gritty and all over the floor and counter, it means that you left the back door unlocked and Virgil Shipley sneaked in and made it for you. Solution: Lock your doors AND windows.

Next week: Going through Judy Divelbiss' old shoes.

George Breithaupt is a photographer and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. Any similarity between this column and any editor's column is pure delusion