Doing the Laundry

    This column is about doing laundry. I suppose many of you expected me to do this column a lot earlier since it is a perfect subject for a bachelor hints column. But I kept putting it off because I really didn't think I had much of any value to say on the subject. I mean, despite my best efforts to clean my clothes they just keep getting dirty again. However, I have been informed by two co-workers of the female variety, sports photographer Ellen McGough and Lifestyle reporter Cheryl Splain, both experts on the subject, that this is normal. I am not sure that I can believe this, especially since they told me the information was off the record They also asked me not to mention their names in connection with any column I would do about laundry. Or perhaps it was any column I would do, period. Anyway I will respect Ellen's and Cheryl's wishes to remain anonymous.
    Since I am evidently not the only person to have this problem of the perpetual laundry pile, I will share some of my tips and observations on the subject. First is the problem of avoidance and denial. Going out and buying new clothes when everything you own needs to be washed is not the solution. Well, OK, not a long term solution. But it can be a temporary solution that will get you through the next year or so with a minimum of drudge. But in the long run it only makes the pile bigger, eventually making it impossible to sleep or play ping pong, depending on where you pile your dirty laundry (or both if you sleep on your ping pong table).
    Denial is even more difficult, especially if you have a good sense of smell. After a while the attitude of "out of sight, out of mind" will just not work. You can put the laundry on the back porch, in the attic or on the roof but it just doesn't solve the problem, believe me. Putting it in the furnace might seem like a good idea. It will certainly get rid of the laundry. It will certainly get you investigated by the EPA, also. In fact, it is not well known, but the EPA actually has a special task force that does nothing but scour the the highways and byways of this great nation looking for the tell-tale dead trees and birds that usually surround the homes of bachelors who attempt to burn their dirty laundry in the furnace.
So that leaves the bachelor with two choices, either do the laundry or get married, depending on how desperate he is. In my column today I will cover the least undesirable of the choices. Hold on a second while I flip a coin. OK, after the best 27 out of 30, doing the wash wins by a nose
.
Step one: Find a washing machine. This is not always the easiest thing to do. I once knew a man (and it wasn't me folks!) who piled his dirty laundry on top of his washer. He never did find it again!
Step two: Separate your laundry. If you need to hire somebody with a jack hammer to do this, go back to the part about using the furnace. One time couldn't hurt. Basically you will need to sort your laundry into two piles: stiff and pliable. The pliable laundry can be stuffed into the washer (assuming you found one. I can't do EVERYTHING for you!) with reasonable ease.
    The rest will require some softening up with the use of a sledge hammer and a solution made of one part turpentine, one part gasoline and one part carbolic acid. Let clothes soak in this solution for about a week or ten days, using the sledge hammer to work the solution thoroughly into the fabric. Keep this mixture tightly sealed with a lid as the dead birds might lead the EPA to think you are burning your laundry.
    As for any advice I might have as to what water temperatures to use or how much and what kind of laundry solutions to use, don't hold your breath. This is going to require some advanced research on my part and will be featured in a future columns. (and you know what that means! If you don't go back and read my "cleaning the attic" column).

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the attic.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and weekly columnist for the Mount Vernon News. We tried to get him to volunteer for last Saturday's article on what it's like to be in a burning building. Unfortunately he was on to the "take one step back" trick and Lifestyle reporter, Cheryl Splain wasn't.