The Halfmast Rises From the Ashes

    The plans for the new Grumpy Bowl Indoor "Arena Ping Pong" stadium are moving along just fine. The problem of getting the financial backing has been solved. Half of the money needed for the construction has been supplied by the insurance settlement for the burning down of the original Halfmast Tavern. The rest was raised by a bake sale, the loose change that everybody found behind the cushions of their couches and the sale of luxury sky boxes.
     There had been one little hitch when the insurance company insisted on being provided with an alibi for Cujo Mike. Once we assured the insurance company that Cujo was in the asbestos room at the time there was no problem. We held a little competition amongst the employees of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd (GBICWWMM,L) for design ideas for the Grumpy Bowl. Not plans really, but design themes or motifs for the stadium.
     We chose Mack Murphy's "Faux Tara" idea with the feeling that a reproduction of a seedy, run down southern plantation would:
     1. attract a lot of attention and,
     2. be in keeping with the ambience of the old Halfmast Tavern which the stadium was replacing.
     And we even agreed to paint a confederate flag on the ceiling of the arena to replace the one Mack lost in the Halfmast fire. Mack originally wanted the flag done in neon, but we dissuaded him of the idea when it was pointed out that, until the Grumpy Bowl started to make a profit, the electric bill would be coming out of the employee paychecks (on those rare occasions when they are actually issued at all).
     The next order of business was to hire somebody to run this giant complex. We decided to go outside the organization because we weren't reallly organized enough to do it ourselves, what with numerous other projects the GBICWWMM,L had going, such as the Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection, various projects of Grumpy kitchens, the Grumpy Web Site and the publication of "Wasting Time Magazine" magazine. The task of finding a qualified candidate had been left to Miss Kitty and her assistant/bartender, Dacey May. It seemed logical since Miss Kitty was putting up half the money for the project. After all, Miss Kitty was going to be busy recreating the Halfmast as a sort of bowling lounge and she would not have time to manage the stadium as a whole.
     So when she called us all to a meeting one day last week we were all agog with anticipation. Who would become the director of the Grumpy Bowl? What kind of person had Miss Kitty chosen to lead the Grumpy Bowl (and all of us who had a stake in the project) into the fast- paced world of high stakes, professional "Arena Ping Pong?" So we all found ourselves sitting in my living roo ... I mean the GBICWWMM,L executive conference room waiting for Miss Kitty to make her appearance.
     Pretty soon the door opened and in waltzed Miss Kitty with Dacey May right behind. She took up a postition behind my coffee ta ... that is, the conference table and rapped sharply with her shillelagh. That made me wince. After all I had paid $3.25 for that at a thrift shop half-price sale, recently.
     "Awwright, lissenup youse guys. I got sompun really impertent ta tell yas awe," were the sounds that came out of her mouth. Dacey who speaks fluent Brooklynese, stepped forward to translate, "I have an important announcement to make."
     Miss Kitty continued, "I wants yas awe ta meet da guy dat's gonna make us lots an' lots'a dough."
     "I want you all to meet the new director of the Grumpy Bowl," translated Dacey.

NEXT WEEK: Introducing Rock Knutne, the new director of the Grumpy Bowl (maybe).

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and week- kneed columnist for Mount Vernon's favorite local, daily, afternoon, fifty-cent per issue (but cheaper if you subscribe), newspaper.