The Grumpy Bachelor Goes Online

     It was good to finally get the attic cleaned out over the weekend. I am glad I waited for the holiday because it turned out to be a three-day- weekend kind of job. I was going to tell you all about it and even had the article all written. But, unfortunately, I lost it. I don't know if I threw it out by accident or if it is just floating around the house. With any kind of luck, I threw it out by accident. This means it is still in the back store room. (Whenever I say I threw out something, that means that it is no longer on the living room floor or the bed.) If it is in the store room then I will probably find it the next time I clean up back there.

So instead I want to tell you all about the latest venture of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World-Wide Mega-Monopoly. Ltd., the marketing arm of my warped imagination.

The GBICWWMM,L is getting a head start on the 21st century by becoming an Internet portal. I am told this is all the rage, and, hey, "rage" is my middle name.

For those of you who are about my age I should explain that a portal is a glorified search engine on the Internet; a place that will take you anywhere you want to go. So I hope that explains ... uh, what? Well the Internet is a... uh oh never mind!

Anchoring the Grumpy Web Site will be an online version of the GBICWWMM,L's new start up publication, "Wasting Time Magazine." This will have tons of helpful advice for the home handyman with projects ranging from the simple (closing the refrigerator door ALL THE WAY!) to the truly challenging (build a cold fusion nuclear reactor and heat your home year-round) to the incredibly practical (make your own shoes from nuclear waste).

The Grumpy Web Site will also host the new home page for Farrah Fawcett, the baby boomers' answer to Shirley Temple.

Links to various sites of interest to bachelors will also be a service of the site. Such favorite web pages as "The World of Hummus," "Beer Nuts and Barmaids," and "The Bachelor's Guide to the Universe, or How to Find the Nearest Job Lots," will be just a click away.

The bachelor on the go, who has no time for such things, will be able to order online, directly from the Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection. This service is still being developed and the Spring Collection should be available in late August or early November. It promises to be one of the easiest, most pain-free online shopping sites on the Internet.

Since the clothing items in the GB Spring Collection will come in all the popular bachelor sizes (one size fits all) ordering couldn't be simpler. Just click on the pattern you would most hate to dream about, fill in your credit card number, the number of your bank account, your stockbrokers name and phone number, the registration and license number of your car (name and shipping address are optional) and voila! You have spent money online. Way cool dude; or something like that.

To promote the introduction of Grumpy Dogs, a new line of easy to prepare, boil in the bag hot dogs, the Grumpy Page will be running a sweepstakes (You may already be a weiner!). Play the game and maybe West Sandusky Fred or another member of the crack GBICWWMM,L design team will knock at your door, if we can arrange it with their parole officers.

A new camping page will be another feature of the Grumpy Page. Cujo Mike, the GBICWWMM,L's favorite reformed arsonist/columnist, will give helpful tips in his fortnightly column, "1001 ways to build a campfire for fun and profit."

The Grumpy Page will be continually evolving. We value the loyal readership of the tens of fans we have out there in newspaper land and will be open to your suggestions and input (aren't those the same things?) Stay tuned!

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the store room.

George Breithaupt is a part- time photographer, a part- time copy editor , and award-seeking columnist for the News. (Notice that we now refrain from saying WHICH News.) We think this is a pretty pathetic way to get out of writing his long awaited cleaning the attic column. If we could find him we'd give him a good talking to. Actually we hope he's gone back to Gnxrnrn so we can change the locks on the Earth.