A Headlong Dive
into the Old Mail Bag

     It was a quiet day, for once, around the World Headquarters of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd. Our intern, Evvie McShannon was down in shipping and receiving opening some suspicious packages that had been addressed to yours truly in crayon. As I glance around the kitch, ... uh ... world headquarters executive suite, I notice that she forgot to take the bucket of water with her. I hope she is being very careful with the packages.

     Professor Ruffinsor is leading his cheerleading class in two-a-days out in the backyar ..er ... the GB Memorial Practice Field (so named because my using it for any kind of exercise is just a memory). Looking out the window I can see that Professor Ruffinsor has them working on the tackling dummies right now. If we can keep him from tackling the students this year, it should turn out to be a very successful class.

     Cujo Mike is down in the asbestos room doing research for his campfire article for the premiere issue of "Wasting Time," the GBICWWMM,L's official bachelor magazine. Cujo is also training the latest addition to our staff, Lois Playne, girl reporter. Lois will be teaming up with Mr. Kent to do articles for "Wasting Time" and for "The Monopolian" the official in- house news letter of the GBICWWMM,L. Mr. Kent was unable to be here to supervise the training session because, as he put it, "I have to go out on patrol." Whatever that means. So the task fell to Cujo, and if there ever was a trial by fire, Miss Playne is undoubtedly experiencing it.

     Everybody else is either still in bed or reporting to their parole officers. This would be as good a time as any to delve into the old mailbag, so let's do that now.

Dear Grumpy Bachelor,
     Don't you think it's about time that you did something about your refrigerator?
Ron Staats, WMVO radio

Dear Ron,
     Where have you been? I did something about it 2 weeks ago. I moved it up into the attic.
GB

Dear Grumpy Bachelor,
     Don't you think it's about time you did something about your attic?
John Nesbit Mount Vernon News
Dear John,
     Where have you been? I did something about it last week. I moved the attic into the basement.
GB

Dear Grumpy Bachelor,
     Don't you think it's time somebody did something about John Nesbit and Ron Staats?
Charlie Kilkenny Somewhere in Radioland
Dear Charlie,
     Please be patient. Watch this space for further details.
GB

Dear Grumpy Bachelor,
     Zag lato gropgo unper epsorox frzam goxolm saq frovt! Gort veradoo Staats um Nesbit. Frazam, frizim, frozom?
Glax Brilzip Head Hindmost, Gnxrnrn

Dear Glax,
     Ezgrm wazzzom gext fronum nicto! (Ha Ha!) Delorxwq frezxt Staats um Nesbit, gladdum. N'est pas?
GB

Dear Grumpy Bachelor,
     When are you going to start writing funny columns again?
K.C.

Dear K.C.
     When did I ever write funny columns? I write about my life, my experiences and my business ventures. That's very serious as far as I am concerned. Please refer to some of my published personal recipes. There's nothing funny about food poisoning, now, is there?
GB

NEXT WEEK: Making the bed (but only because the cats insisted).

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and weakly columnist for a local newspaper that wishes to remain anonymous.