The Meeting Will Now
Come to Order

     The July meeting of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World-Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd. brain trust was called to order at 11:46 a.m. sharp. Roll was taken with the following brains present: Miss Penny, West Sandusky Fred, Cujo Mike, Mac Murphy, Mr. Kent and Lacey Magillicuddy. Work release cards were validated for those that had them.

     The first order of business was to welcome two new members to the staph. It had been decided with the phenomenal growth of the GBICWWMM,L that we needed more help. The first new addition was Evvie McShannon, in the position of Our Lady of the Intern in Perpetuity. Evvie has had extensive experience as an intern and will be a welcome addition to the staph. Also, she works cheap.

     The second addition was Thomas "Red" Ruffinsor, the singing cowboy. "Red's" resume reads like something out of a rejected Mike Myers script. Originally, "Red" was a professional football coach. According to him he decided to leave the coaching ranks because he had, "seen enough football players, on the field and in the lockerroom to last a lifetime." It was at this point that he made the somewhat unfathomable career switch to "Singing Cowboy."

     It's not that he doesn't sing that well (he doesn't). It's just that singing cowboys are not the rage that they used to be. Nonetheless, "Red" has managed to hack out a moderately successful career for himself. His most notable achievement to date is in being the only singer of any genre to have released an album as a 45rpm record in the last 35 years. His reason for this was that, at the time he only knew two songs. This, of course is the exact number of sides that a 45rpm record has. The songs -- he describes them as his favorites -- were his own cover of "The Wabash Cannonball," and a little ditty he wrote himself called, "Horsey! Horsey!" Copies of the record can still be found at many yard sales in the area. "Red" will be in charge of the Grumpy University syllabus, and serve as dean of students and professor of sports and physics. He will never, ever, be allowed anywhere NEAR the music department.

     With that out of the way, I asked if there was any more new business. A hand was raised. It belonged to Ruffinsor.

     "Yes, "Red". What is it?

      "Uh, two fingers???"

      "You have to go to the little boy's room?"

     "Uh, yeah!"

     "So go, go! Is there any other new business?"
West Sandusky Fred's hand went up.

     "Yes Fred?"

     "What does syllabus mean?"

     "Are you in charge of it?"

     "Well ... no."

     "OK, then don't worry about it," I said, making a mental note to look it up after the meeting. "Does anybody have any new business that in any way pertains to THIS business," I said indicating the whole kitch ...uh ... World Headquarters with a sweep of my hand. Cujo Mike raised his hand.

     "Yes, Mike."

     "Are we gonna eat soon?"

     "Probably, the way things are going. Why? Are you hungry?"

     "Well, not really, but I'd like to light the stove."

     I had to think up a quick lie. Cujo has this fascination with fire that has gotten him in trouble from time to time throughout his life. The last time Cujo "lit the stove", there was nothing but a burnt- out shell left. I had never in my life seen enamel melt.

     "We're having cold cuts, Mike." That got everybody out from under the table.

     But by this time I was starting to feel like I was teaching Kindergarten again. "Mr. Kent," I said, trying to get this runaway train of a staff meeting back on track, "you have been very quiet. Have you been doing any designing for the Spring Collection?"

     "Yes."

     "Uh, like what?"

     "OK. I have been designing something for the Spring Collection. I have been designing a monogramed shirt. See?"

     "I like your color scheme, Mr. Kent. I have always been partial to red, blue and yellow. I especially like having the letter right in the center of the shirt. That would be hard to miss, especially with the triangle outline around it. The type style is very interesting, too. Do you have any examples of other letters besides S?"

     "No."

     "Will you have some other examples soon?"

     "No. I wiil not have any other examples. This will only be available in the letter S."

     "Doesn't that kind of limit its sales potential, Mr. Kent?"

     "Nooo! I think many men will want to be associated with the letter S."

     I decided that it was time to break for lunch. Hainey and Magillicuddy were finished fixing a new recipe that we were testing in the Grumpy Bachelor research kitchens, Blackened Balony Sandwich ala Chez Grumpy with Black Bean Sauce. That would undoubtedly be enough to force cancellation of the afternoon session and I could go home and get some sleep. These early morning meetings are killing me.

NEXT WEEK: The answer to last weeks riddle

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and weakly columnist for the Mount Vernon News. It's not the end of the world as we know it, but close to it.