Fixing the Car

I'm not sure if it was Oscar Wilde or Frank Gifford who said, "A man be not a man 'till his tools be like his hands and arms."After re-reading the quote, I don't think it was either one. I will have to look that up before this goes to press. I must confess that I own tools, but don't really know what to do with them. I am not mechanically inclined.

Oh, I can hammer a nail if it's not too long and oh, the things I can fix with duct tape... But when my car starts making cartoon noises it's time for help.

I am at the point with my car where I am trying to decide if I should get the oil changed or keep the oil and change the car. And now it is making noises like there are a dozen tin cans tied to the fan belt. But I know nothing about cars. This is where my friend Mikey comes in. Mikey knows all about cars, or at least enough to keep me from being late to work the past several months. We are friends because he has a computer and I know all about computers; at least enough to be able to re- install software that disappears after his kids use the computer.

But Mikey is hard to get ahold of. He has a wife, three teenage daughters, one phone line, and two jobs. Mikey should be the poster boy for bachelorhood. So, for the moment I am stuck trying to fix the car myself.

Opening the hood I stand there and stare at it intently for about 15 minutes. If I can get mental-telepathy to work, there might be a book in it. That doesn't seem to help so I take, what I think is a crescent wrench, and start tapping the engine in various places. This is not working either so I close it up and start to go inside to try Mikey again.

Just then, Mikey pulls up in my driveway. He has seen me slamming down the hood of my car and knows I am having trouble again. I explain the problem to him. He lifts the hood of the car and stares intently at the engine for about 10 minutes. Nothing happens for him either.

He then asks me for the crescent wrench. Mikey spends the next few minutes tapping the engine in various places. I suppose it helps to know just where to tap. Next he starts taking things apart. This makes me nervous because I have taken many things apart and most of them are still apart.

Suddenly there is a flash of flame and the whole engine is on fire. I run to get the garden hose. Turning on the water, I discover that there are several dozen holes in the hose resulting in a mere trickle at the business end. While this gives me an idea for another article, it is not doing my car any good.

Luckily, Mikey has found the blanket I keep in the back seat and has smothered the flames. I have kept a blanket in my cars since I was 18. I have spent nearly 30 years trying to remember why. Now I know.

Mikey and I survey the damage. Mostly it is blistered paint on the hood. Mikey offers the opinion that adding a few dents with a small sledge hammer will make the hood match the rest of the car. At this point I don't really care so I hand him the hammer. I have to admit the effect was striking; there is a unity of design that wasn't there before. The car runs much better now. Not great but better.

Now I owe Mikey one. I know that it won't be long before he has computer trouble again. I must remember to take along my sledgehammer.

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Horoscopes for bachelors

Born today, you are charming, witty and God's gift to women.

You will be faced with a major financial decision: Choose the taco with the hard shell.

At some point today you will encounter mold.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and sometimes writer for the Mount Vernon News. We thought he was through writing this stuff, but since he is still holding our diaries, we continue to humor him.