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Letters, we get letters...
Let's see what's in the mail bag this week. Q: Dear Bachelor Department, Mount Vernon News, I have recently solved my perpetually full sink problem by switching to Styrofoam cups and plates. However, being a guy of the '90s I am concerned that the use of these will have a negative impact on the environment, especially the global warming problem. Can you help me with this? --Perplexed, in Apple Valley A: Dear Perplexed, The use of Styrofoam cups and plates will have no effect on the environment
if you don't throw them out from time to time. Doing this even on a semi-
annual basis will have an impact on the environment. Personally, I have
no problem with this. I favor letting the global warming problem continue
until central Ohio has a climate similar to the Bahamas. THEN, let's do
something about it. My advice to you is to continue to use these utensils
until we get the weather exactly the way we want it. Q: Dear BDMVN, My cat died about three years ago. However, most of my friends tell me that my house still smells like a lion's den. Do you have any advice? -- Lonely cat lover A: Dear cat lover, The best advice I could give you is to get rid of the cat box. Being
sentimental is one thing, but this is carrying it too far. You must have
some pictures of your cat lying around, or perhaps you can find some pictures
in a magazine that look like your former cat. You can hang these on the
wall using duct tape or some similar adhesive material. Q: Dear Mr. Breithaupt, Our records indicate that your account is seriously past due. If we do not hear from you in 14 days we will be forced to begin collection procedures. -- Houng Doan Chinese Take-out A: Dear Doan, The check is in the mail. If you have any further questions in this matter
please contact the post office. Q: Dear BD,MVN, I often cook my breakfast bacon naked. Do you have any advice? -- M. Wolfe, address withheld by request A: Don't. NEXT TIME: Duct Tape and how to use it to fix/cure ANYTHING. George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and, unfortunately,
a writer for the Mount Vernon News. The News apologizes
to its readers. |
Before we delve into the old mailbag today I would like to address
what seems to be a widely held misconception. That is that I have been
writing about MY refrigerator and MY apartment. Nothing could be further
from the truth. I would like to state for the record that I keep my carpet
mowed, trimmed and edged and that most of the vultures I know seem to
feel very comfortable in my home. End of discussion.