The Grumpy Bachelor
Gets Ready For Winter

I woke up this morning to the realization that Global Warming had once again disappointed me and winter is evidently going to rear it's ugly head again this year. But for once I am prepared.

By prepared, I mean that after 50 years, it has dawned on me that this phenomena happens on a regular basis.

So this year I started early by gathering beer nuts and storing them away for the winter.

But there is more to it than that. If there wasn't, this would be my shortest column to date. It's time to go shopping so I made out a list of the things I needed to pickup:

  • Beer
  • Anti-freeze
  • Duct tape
  • A pair of thermal socks (these will double as a pair of snowshoes by the end of winter)
  • Beer Nuts (a good source of fat, protein, salt and trace vitamins)
  • A first-aid kit (Bourbon and a box of band- aids)
  • Non-perishable supplies in case of power failure (Rum, Coke, cigarettes and spaghetti-o's)
  • Cold medicine (more bourbon and rum)
  • Flashlight, radio and batteries.

Returning from the shopping trip, I checked my purchases against my list, which I forgot to take with me. I remembered the beer, rum, bourbon and cigarettes.

I also seem to have purchased a whole new stereo system, seven educational video tapes dealing with the sociology of California beach culture, a new socket wrench set (50% off; saved a lot of money there!), a cordless phone and a new hard drive for my computer.

There was also a portable camping cook stove that will come in handy in case my car's heater hasn't repaired itself over the summer, a new answering machine (I was getting tired of the old message), and another cordless phone (I was in a different store and liked this one better. I gotta remember to return the first one and the other three I bought last winter). Also got some really nice green and yellow checked paper place mats.

Well, I have survived on less. The new stereo will run on batteries, the bourbon can double as anti-freeze, and duct tape makes a serviceable substitute for band-aids.

Now I am prepared for the winter and ... oh shoot! ... snow tires!

George Breithaupt is a copy editor, photographer and writer. That he does these things for the Mount Vernon News should reflect on our charity and not our good taste.