Random Thoughts On
Various and Sundry Notions

The year is rapidly coming to a close -- not rapidly enough for me, however -- and my desk is littered with scraps of paper. Some of them are nearly undecipherable jottings that include phone numbers without names, names without phone numbers, illegible scrawls with question marks and illegible scrawls with exclamation points. The only ones that really worry me are the scraps with the exclamation points. They were probably important but I will never know why.

However, many of them have unused column ideas, usually half thought out and generally half-baked. One may opine that the scraps with half-baked ideas are merely the ones that I never got around to writing. You will not find much argument here.

Taken individually, none of them warranted a whole column. However, in the aggravate, there is just barely enough to fill up my allotted space.

So my New Years present to my many loyal and faithful fans, whose numbers are estimated to reach double digits from time to time, is the bottom of the Grumpy Bachelor's idea barrel. And you thought we'd been there already.

Why I never wrote "the Bachelor's Guide to Cold Fusion," is beyond me. I can't remember exactly what I had in mind but it must have been something good.

There are also several of my own personal recipes that never got published. In this case, there is no mystery. The question of liability came up and is still being researched. There has been some talk about publishing these recipes if we test them for safety. This is not a reasonable solution, however. Good reporters and editors do not grow on trees.

Here's another one that just says "Writing A Humor Column For Dummies." I probably didn't have very much to say about that; or too much. Besides, it might be taken the wrong way. All right! Who said "By A Dummy???"

Here's another scrap that says "ice cube tray stuck to bottom of freezer." Maybe that was supposed to be part of the cold fusion article. If it was, I take back what I said about it probably being a good idea.

I know why I never did "The Grumpy Bachelor Learns How to Tie A Necktie." Sports Editor Tom Wilson beat me to it. We were all so proud of him. It only took about an hour and a half to explain to him what a necktie was. We did run into a little snag, however. The day we had planned to shoot the story, Virgil had already signed out the company tie.

Here's another that just says,

Ron Staats: "Grumpy, you really need to do something about your refrigerator."

Grumpy: "They've closed all the Super Fund Dump Sites so I can't get rid of it."

Or this one:

Dialogue that was edited out of "Star Wars:"

"Is that you, Dad?"

"Did I say sister, Princess? I meant third-cousin"

Here's a scrap with the unfinished beginning of a column:

I am all out of paper plates and paper towels. There are no empty pizza boxes on top of anything and I can't find my Swiss Army knife. I guess it's time to do the dishes.

That one would probably gotten me evicted, even though we all know that I make this stuff up.

This next piece says,"Don't forget to thank M.M.M for the 'Humbug' button."

OK, thanks for the 'Humbug' button, M.M.M.

That about does it for the loose paper. The rest seem to be stuck permanently to my desk. Maybe I will think of some way to get them off in time for next year's New Year's column. I will more likely decide to call it a collage and leave it at that.

I'd like to wish everybody a happy and safe New Year. I want to see you all back next week. Remember, if you drink, don't drive and if you insist on driving drunk, do it in the safety of your own home.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. If he is killed or captured, the News will disavow any knowledge of his activities.