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The Grumpy Bachelor
Hmm. Something's not right here. My knees are on the floor and my face is on the bed. I think I left out something. This is not a dignified position to be in, even for a grumpy bachelor. I am sorely tempted to stay this way for the rest of the year. That seems like the easiest solution, but something in the back of my mind tells me this would not be practical. Looking back on it, I know it was not a practical idea, but it seems like a better place to be than where I am now. Next thing I know the cats are trying to help. Churchy, who weighs in at about 20 pounds, is sitting on my back. This is his way of getting my attention to let me know he is hungry and it is time for me to jump out of bed to feed him. This comes under the heading of an unrealistic expectation. And Pogo is meowing in my ear just in case I haven't noticed Churchy, who now feels like he weighs 300 pounds. This gave me a good excuse to doze off and let them slink away in a sulk, which they did. When I wake up again nothing has changed, except that the cats are gone and my feet seem to be missing. At least that's what it feels like. Maybe my whole body has gone numb and my feet and the cats are still there. Maybe this is all a dream. What is reality anyway? Reality is that I am half awake on New Year's morning, in an undignified position, with a headache and starting to get hungry. Somehow this seems all too familiar. It seems to me the best course of action is to pull myself back up on the bed and start over again. This is easier said than done, especially when I don't know exactly where my feet are. The first thing I try is to raise up on my elbows and use them walk myself up on the bed. This gets me only so far, so I try with all my might to swing one leg back up. Success! One leg is back up on the bed, but I am exhausted. Although I have never in my life slept sidesaddle, I doze off again for a few minutes. Waking up a few minutes later I decide to give one last big effort and swing all the way up on the bed. One, two, three ... did it! Now I am right back where I started a couple of hours ago. This is going to be a long year. It has been so far and it's not even noon yet. My next tactic is to try to sit up. With a great effort I manage to do that. It's all coming back to me now. Sit up, swing around, feet on floor, stand up. Well, now we have some progress. But if I am going to stay in an upright position I will need large quantities of coffee. Now where did I put the kitchen? Next Week: In search of Grumpy's kitchen. George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. With any kind of luck he will become lost in his kitchen never to be seen again. That's assuming he even finds it. |
It's New Year's morning. Time to jump out of bed and
get a head start on the new year. Trouble is, though it might be a new
year, it's the same old body. When I say jump out of bed, what I mean
is lie there for about half an hour and try to remember how to move. Slowly
it comes back to me, slide the legs over to the edge of the bed; oops,
the edge that isn't against the wall. That's it, not too fast, I don't
want to wake up my blood just yet. Now slide the rest of the body so that
everything is in a straight line and roll.