New Years Resolutions



We are, as I write this, just two weeks into the new year and I am quite proud to announce that I have kept all of my New Year's resolutions.

By "all" I really mean "all except one."

Which is not a bad average, if you get right down to it.

 

My resolutions were:

  • Be nice to any interns I might deal with
  • Don't lie to Congress
  • Never pilot a 747 under the influence of Viagra
  • Don't give legal advice to Hillary Clinton
  • Get out of bed at least every third day
  • Never, ever, talk to Larry Flint
  • Refuse any offers to appear on Jerry Springer's show
  • Forget Monica Lewinsky's private phone number
  • Give Ron Staats a break and mention Jerry Scott in my column from time-to-time
  • Clean out the front closet.

OK gang, can we guess which one I haven't kept? That's right! How did you ever guess?

So I begin the new year by attempting to clean out the front closet.

My front closet is slightly bigger than my refrigerator, but smaller than my living room so I have some expectation that I will have more luck with this project than with the others.

That hope is dashed as soon as I open the closet. Have I only lived here 2 years? It looks like I shrink wrapped the closet from my New York City apartment and moved it as a unit. I can't possibly have made enough money in those 2 years to have bought all this stuff.

Well, I'm going to have to do something about it sometime, although if I wasn't stuck for something to write about this week, "sometime" could be in the year 2002 for all I care.

The first order of business is to notify 9-1-1 that I am going to attempt to clean something in the house. They have a standing request with me to do this so that they can go on extreme emergency standby status. Next I lock the cats in the bedroom. I don't need that kind of help. Now let's see what I've got in the closet.

I can only think of one possible reason I bought the "Thigh Master", but since the box that it came in is not there, its presence remains a mystery.

Here's 3 shoes; 2 left and 1 right. Upon close inspection I see that neither left shoe matches the right one. Just to make sure, I double check them but the right shoe doesn't match the left shoes either.

Behind the shoes I find "The Jerry Scott Joke Book." Hmmm. My brother deals in old and rare books. He might be interested in buying this if he doesn't notice there's only one page in it. Maybe I'll find the rest of the pages in the back of the closet.

Next comes a huge pile of old socks. Even though they are all white, none of them seem to match, at least not exactly. They are of various sizes and none are the same size. Under the sock pile I find the missing parts to my lawnmower; the one I got rid of at the end of the summer because it didn't work.

Hey! Look at this! My OTHER tie! The one I got in Las Vegas. The one I can only wear around the house. Back in the closet it goes.

The next thing I find is a folder that says, "GB: Looking Glass 1998 articles: Final drafts." Guess I can burn that.

You know, this is going a lot better than I thought it would. I think I'm almost to the back of the pile and ... well what do you know. Hey Pogo, Churchy! Guess what I found? The Kitchen!

Next week: My January 22 column

George Breithaupt is a photographer and writer/reporter for the Mount Vernon News. Every time he hands in one of these things we feel a great anticipation, a great exaltation; a feeling that this latest column can't possibly be as bad as the last . But so far ...