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The Grumpy Bachelor Follows
Anyway, we were all gathered in the kitchen of the Mount Vernon News' combination employee lunchroom and fallout shelter (how appropriate is THAT!). There was even media coverage! That means that Virgil Shipley accidently wandered into the lunchroom with a loaded camera. There were also several curious onlookers who, judging by the looks of them, couldn't find a fire drill to gawk at. I had all the tools and ingredients gathered together, a task that I accomplished all by myself. They included a pan for boiling water, water and a package of hotdogs. OK, so we had to send somebody out for buns, gimme a break, I'm new at this. I WAS going to bring some mustard with me. I had a mustard bottle in my fridge, but, since I had never seen green lumpy mustard, I decided that it wasn't necessary. I did find a single serving packet of ranch dressing from Bergers By Wanda (TM) under the front seat of my car and decided to use that instead. I mean if it can improve the flavor of lettuce and carrot shreds, just think of what it could do for a hotdog! It boggles my mind, which doesn't mean much because that happens every time I stand up too quickly. Miss Penny Hainey, head of the research and development kitchens of The Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Limited (GBICWWMM,L) was on hand to read the recipe. There was no sign of the winner, which said a lot for her self-respect. "Let us begin," intoned Hainey. "First fill the pot with water." I hadn't planned on this being so complicated, but I managed to figure out where the sink was. I didn't recognize it without a pile of encrusted dishes in it. I filled the pot with water. You know, though, it's really easy to do if you don't have to swing the faucet over to one side and tip the pan. "Good boy!" Hainey patted me on top of the head. "Now put the pot on the stove." I was one step ahead of her. I had been trying to visualize what a stove looked like without all the dishes that don't fit in my sink, on top of it. It only took two guesses. I put the pan on the stove. A cheer went up from the gathered throng. "OK now put the pot on top of one of the burners." I signaled time-out. "Could I get a clarification on what a burner is?" I inquired. After a lengthy explanation which included a short physics lesson, I put the pot on a burner. "Now turn on the burner ... this thing," she said pointing to a knob. I turned it. "Where's the fire?" I asked. "It's electric," said Hainey. "Oh!" I stuck my finger into the water. "You don't need to test it yet, Grumps. It will take a while to boil. Besides, you will know when it's ready. You won't even want to stick you finger in the water when it's boiling." A groan went up from the crowd when Hainey said that. Evidently they were ready for ANY kind of excitement. Soon the water was boiling. "Now open the package of hotdogs." "Open it?" I said totally confused. "Yes, open the package, take out the hotdogs and put them in the boiling water." I signaled time-out again. "Would you please check the recipe," I asked Hainey. "This can't be right. Don't all hotdogs come in a boil-in bag?" Hainey said something under her breath. "I didn't catch that, could you repeat it please?" "More on that subject later, is what I said." Well we argued about the proper way to cook hotdogs for quite a while. Now I am not a complete idiot, although Hainey seemed to be hinting at the actual percentage. I chose this recipe because it was simple, easy and I had some experience with it. Boil the hotdogs, then take them out of the package. Even a dolt could see that, although it didn't convince Hainey. Pretty soon the crowd dispersed, the water boiled away and Hainey finally threw up her hands in exasperation and stomped out of the room. I was on my own. If anybody is interested in MY recipe for cold hotdogs,
sans bun, ala Ranch dressing, please write me care of the News.
NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the attic. George Breithaupt is a photographer and writer for the Mount
Vernon News. We'd like to know who said he could use the kitchen.
Next time we want to clear it with our attorney, insurance company. and
the fire department. |
The big day is finally here. The day that the Grumpy
Bachelor ACTUALLY FOLLOWS A RECIPE. A winning recipe has been chosen.
It was submitted by Chris Petee of Mount Vernon and is for boiled hotdogs.
It won out over her husband's recipe for buying beer. Under normal circumstances
they should both be proud of themselves, finishing first and second if
it weren't for the fact that those were the only two recipes submitted.