How I spent My Vacation

Well, it sure feels great to be back from vacation (stop laughing!). I must admit it was one of the most unusual vacations I have ever taken. I didn't really have much planned; I was going to sleep until Wednesday and then take it easy for the rest of the week.

Destiny had other plans, though. No I don't mean cleaning the attic, but I should be able to get to that this weekend. By destiny, I mean the Gnxrnrnian mold ship "Destiny's Mildew."

My little Gnxrnrnian friends landed in my backyard bright and early Saturday morning and roused me out of bed to proclaim me "First Friend of Gnxrnrn." Even though it was before noon, I managed to get dressed, somewhat hastily, for the ceremony they wanted to conduct.

Don't get me wrong, it was an awesome honor but, as I stood there wearing my hat, pajama bottoms and one sock, I was thankful they hadn't contacted the news media about this.

The best part was that they wanted me to go back with them to their planet for a hero's welcome and a tour of the Mold Mines of Mendrix.

I started looking for my other sock.

But as I was in the midst of my preparations, I realized that I was out of cat food and couldn't go. That problem was soon solved when one of the Gnxrnrnian envoys pulled out what they later told me was a stasis ray and put Pogo and Churchy in a sort of state of suspended animation. For a few seconds, I seriously considered betraying the entire Earth, just to get my hands on that ray gun. It's not that I don't love my little buddies, it's just that there are some nights when their nocturnal instincts kick in with a vengeance and my house resembles the Calvary Stampede.

With that little problem out of the way, I spent the next half-hour packing essentials; rum, coke, spaghetti-o's, cigarettes and, of course, my Grumpy Bachelor First Aid Kit (pat. pend.).

The trip itself was uneventful and, to be honest, not entirely comfortable. The Gnxrnrnians power their space ships with coal. Since they seem to have discovered a way to thumb their noses at the theory of relativity and the space/time effects it predicts for sub- light-speed space travel, they don't need anything more powerful.

As I later found out, the planet Gnxrnrn is made up almost entirely of coal. Since they are continually digging out caves for the production of their galaxy famous molds, they have to do something with all that extra coal. So they developed coal powered space flight.

That's fine with me if it makes the trip fast, but the fan in my day coach didn't work and if I opened the window, all I got was soot and hot cinders.

Other than that the Gnxrnrnians are fabulous hosts. Their attempts at providing Earth-style food were a bit off; the corn flakes and cheese whiz was interesting but the kohlrabi ice cream was a bummer. Other than that I spent the trip being treated like royalty.

But that was nothing compared to what was in store for me when we landed.

NEXT WEEK: The Mold Mines Of Mendrix; or In Mendrix it's OK to scratch in front of the digi-news cameras.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. We're still trying to see if we can talk him into being our Gnxrnrnian beat reporter.