Grumpy Bachelor's Favorite Recipes

All kidding aside (OK, if I really meant that the column would end here, wouldn't it?) I do cook for myself, have some favorite recipes and have survived, nonetheless. My entire collection of recipes is being donated to the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World-Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd (GBICWWMM,L) research kitchens as the basis for the initial line of easy to prepare meals for bachelors and other single people. This line of micro-wavable frozen meals will be released under the trademarked brand name of Young Unmarried's Quick Kitchens (YUQK).

As a reward to you, my faithful readers (both of you), I will preview some of my own personal favorites in today's column. This alone should make this issue of the Mount Vernon News a valuable collector's item and you may want to buy several dozen copies to sell to your friends.

Suicide Gravy

(A quick and easy first-thing-in-the-morning- picker-upper- unless-of-course-you-want-to-make-it-the- night-before breakfast treat, that will stick to your ribs and artery walls.)

1 pound lard

1 tablespoon butter

8 ounces heavy whipping cream

1 teaspoon flour

In a heavy sauce pan or light pot-pie container (empty), melt lard and butter. When completely melted add cream and, oops, I mean reduce heat and add cream. Sorry about the burns. Mix thoroughly with wooden spoon or paint mixing paddle.

(Note: paddle should not have been used more than 3 or 4 times if that's all you have.)

Drizzle flour into mixture (No I don't know what that means. I just heard it once on the Cooking Channel). Stir until thickened.

VARIATION: For those of you worried about not getting enough cholesterol in your diet, use sour cream to thin gravy.

This recipe is quick and easy and has a variety of uses. It goes well with any meat, especially boloney, although I prefer just using a straw.

Serves One.

Corn Flakes and Cheese Whiz

I can't take credit for this recipe and wouldn't, even if it WAS my idea. My friends from Gnxrnrn came up with this one. I was reminded of it the other morning when I discovered that all I had for breakfast was corn flakes but no milk. A quick search of the kitchen turned up a little bit of non-diary coffee creamer and cheese whiz. I have tried using coffee creamer on cereal and immediately opted for the cheese whiz. Believe me it was an improvement.

2 tablespoons cheese whiz, the kind that comes in a jar not the pressurized can.

1 bowl corn flakes

Put cheese whiz in microwave safe container (this means you can't use your hands) and heat in microwave on LO just long enough so that it is somewhere between runny and on fire. Pour on corn flakes. If you like an exciting breakfast, eat it right away, otherwise let cool for 5 minutes.

A chaser is recommended. I prefer cola.

VARIATION: Substitute shredded wheat for corn flakes. This makes an extremely cheap meal as it will take all day to eat.

Corned-Beef and Sausage Gravy Pizza

This is a great cold weather taste treat, especially if you plan on hibernating. It should take at least 4 months to digest.

7 slices Wonder Bread

1 can corned beef

1 jar prepared sausage gravy

Any left-over cheese whiz from breakfast (optional)

Take slices of bread and carefully cut off the crusts. Take crustless slices in both hands and mash together in a ball. Resist temptation at this point to eat it. Using the palm and heel of your hand, flatten out dough ball on pie tin, baking sheet or old piece of galvanized roofing from out of the garage.

Take corned-beef and sausage gravy, mix together and spread on dough.

Spread cheese whiz, if desired and bake at 800 degrees for 45 minutes. Let stand to cool for 4 hours and throw out.

Call Pizza Palace.

VARIATION: Cut up Vienna sausages and snack on those until Pizza Palace delivers.

This is just a small sample of the culinary delights that the GBICWWMM.L plans for the Grumpy Bachelor YUQK fast food line. Watch this column for future announcements about the availability of these fine food products.

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the attic

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and weakly columnist for the Mount Vernon News. Folks, he really does eat this stuff. At least that's the prevailing opinion around the news room. We'd be grumpy, too if we ate like that.