Cleaning the attic, Part III

(Our story so far: Our hero, the Grumpy Bachelor, has decided to clean his attic. After taking care of a few preliminary details; getting up, having breakfast, going through 2 year's worth of mail, picking up his dirty clothes, sorting his loose change, having lunch and taking a nap, he was almost ready to tackle the attic. That's when the UFO landed in his backyard. As we join the GB today, the UFO has just taken off and he has completed, what could be the deal of the century.)

I have just made the trade of the century with the people of the planet Gnxrnrn (the spelling is approximate, but that IS how it is pronounced); all my dirty clothes for one thermo-nuclear intensifier ray gun. Evidently, dirty laundry is something of great value to the Gnxrnrnians. (By the way, if anybody ever tells you that they have seen little green men, don't believe them. they are purple with a little yellow around the edges.) They became extremely excited when they saw my pile. I have a feeling that it has an intoxicating effect on them because their spaceship did a loop-the-loop and several barrel-rolls when it took off.

Anyway, the thermo-nuclear intensifier ray (TNIR) should be my answer to cleaning the attic. According to the captain of the Gnxrnrnian space ship, it excites the atoms of certain molds that grow on trash causing them to become unstable and vaporizing anything they touch. I am very careful not to point the thing at my feet or my bed.

But before I go hauling the TNIR up to the attic, I think I'll try it out on that pile of stuff I pulled out of my closet a few weeks ago. I was going to use that pile as the basis of another column, but I am getting tired of cleaning up the house every week just so I have something to write about. Cleaning up on a bi-annual basis should make for funnier stories anyway.

All I need to do, according to the captain, is flip the little red switch near the front of the gun, point it at what needs to be cleaned up and pull the trigger. OK, here goes!

Drat! Nothing. I flip the switch the other way and pull the trigger again. Still nothing. I flip the switch back and forth real fast several times. Nada. I shake the gun and tap it on the floor a couple of times. Nothing. The pile is still there. I guess it's a bust as a major cleaning tool.

But, the Gnxrnrnian captain also told me that the TNIR could double as a death-ray if the black switch on the back is flipped. Maybe it will have some use after all. So I flip the back switch and head for the bike path to look for joggers.

Death-ray my foot! It didn't even slow them down! I think I've been had; this thing just doesn't work at all. It looks like I got the short end of the trade; I mean, dirty or not, those were the only clothes I had!

OK, up in the attic it goes. Maybe someday I will take it apart and see if I can fix it. But there are other matters to take care of first. It's time for supper, according to my stomach. Time to re-heat lunch.

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning the attic

George Breithaupt is a photographer and something else for the Mount Vernon News. As soon as we figure out what that something else is, we will let you know.