Why the Grumpy Bachelor

I was sitting in the Halfmast Tavern the other night having dinner when an errant elbow knocked the glass out of my hand. It was, as usual, Doc B. Doc constantly flies around the Halfmast like an out of control housefly.

After buying me another round of dinner, Doc B sat down beside me and said, "Why the Grumpy Bachelor?"

Let me digress a moment. Doc is the only regular around the Halfmast that has had anything to do with higher education. Around here that means anything past the eighth grade. Doc has actually been to college and attended classes. (I went to an Ohio State football game once, but that doesn't count). So Doc will, on occasion, ask some kind of unanswerable question. He is our resident intellectual; we like to think of him as our Halfmast philosopher. Okay, back to our story.

"Why the Grumpy Bachelor?" was, as I recall, the question.

"Because I'm not married."

"I know that! I mean why the grumpy part?"

I was stumped. I have been this way so long there doesn't really need to be a reason. Ron Staats of WMVO was the one who first laid the appellation Grumpy Bachelor on me. I kept trying to tell him it should be the Happy Bachelor, but he would have none of that.

What DID I have to be grumpy about? Lack of money? We are told that money doesn't buy happiness. I would love to research that statement, but for now that's impossible. I DO know that money would buy a lot of ...uh ... cold medicine this winter and I KNOW that wouldn't make me sad.

Maybe it's the fact that I have to get up and get to work very early to help put out a newspaper by noon. That could be part of it. Managing editor Judy Divilbiss claims I am not a "morning person." I insist that I am. The problem here is defining the word morning. To me, morning means the time of day between 11:45 a.m. and noon. You would be grumpy, too if you had to go to work in the middle of the night.

Some have suggested that I am grumpy because I have to do the dishes and laundry myself. If I ever get around to testing this theory, I will let you know. But don't hold your breath.

Perhaps it is, as some people seem to think, that I don't get enough sleep. Ha! Do you have any idea how much time elapsed between writing the last sentence of the previous paragraph and the first sentence of this one? If you really want to know, either give me a call or send a self-addressed, stamped envelope. I am not going to put that in the paper where the publisher can read it.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Well, I'm not THAT old yet. I still have 75 percent of my teeth and 60 percent of my hair. And I still have full command of my ... uh, what do you call it? Oh drat. Memory, that's it.

Or could it be that I'm not grumpy at all; that it's all an act for the sake of this column. Yeah! That's it! I am really a very warm, charming, courteous and polite person. Now sit down and shut up.

George Breithaupt is a copy editor, photographer and writer for The Mount Vernon News. He is also a contributing factor in the general decline of people's confidence in newspapers as a primary source of news.