|
|
|
Grumpy Kitchens The original intent of this column was to appear on an irregular basis to offer tips to the clueless bachelor about how to run the parts of his life that he was genetically unequipped to handle. The emphasis, however, was to be on the irregular appearance of the column, although I have to admit that it does seem to have an irregular appearance even though I write it once a week. Little did I know how the scope of this modest intent would broaden. Now we have the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd. (GBICWWMM,L) poised to serve the every need of not just the unmarried male, living more or less alone, but any single person that has to rely on their own suspect resources to stay alive and in good health.This includes people who are not single, but find themselves, from time to time, in the position of a bachelor, if only on a temporary basis. Take, for example, a typical family of five; Mother, Father, big brother, little sister and baby brother. It's a Friday night and Mother is away at some kind of meeting or seminar, or has had to rush to the side of some distant sick relative. Father is left to care for the three youngest family members. It is dinner time and Father is faced with not just the unfamiliar task of being home this early on a Friday, but doing something about feeding the kids. "OK kids, it's dinner time, right? How would you all like a great big bowl of nice cold cereal?" announces Father, who is trying to sound cheerful without appearing desperate. "Dinner time, my foot," snarls little sister, " It's nearly eleven o'clock. Dinner should have been six hours ago!" "OK," says Father, wondering how he was supposed to know this. "How about some milk for the cereal too?" Father's ego swells with pride as the kids look at each other in what he takes to be stunned awe at his creative turn of mind. "NO!!!!" shout the kids in unison "Mother always makes hot dogs and popcorn and ice cream for Friday night dinner," whines little sister, who seems to be the de facto spokesperson for the group. This menu sounds pretty good to Father, who makes a mental note to try to get home a little earlier on Fridays. Not only does that kind of meal sound like it's worth coming home to, it might also help him remember his kids names instead of referring to them as big brother, little sister and baby brother. Otherwise, he hasn't a clue. Cereal is the only thing he knows how to fix by himself. however. "Whattsa matter. Don't you know how to make hotdogs and popcorn and ice cream?" Father looks at little sister and has this uneasy feeling that, somewhere out in the world is a young boy about the same age as little sister. This poor lad will, at some point in the future, have a nasty run-in with some gypsies. He will, thereupon, meet little sister and fall in love with her. "No, little sister, I don't know how to make any of that stuff. Do you want me to try to learn right now?" (Brief pause) "OK! Cereal!" Father gets out the bowls and the box of bran flakes and is reminded about his promise of milk by little sister. "Now isn't that better than hotdogs and popcorn and ice cream?" beams Father as the kids sullenly munch away at their cereal. "It's like ice cream with the fun taken out," observes little sister between crunches. Father is amazed that he never noticed how much little sister takes after her mother's side of the family. *** Father is the perfect example of the kind of person the GBICWWMM,L can well serve. Although he is married, he is still basically a moron. This is why the GBICWWMM.L is proud to announce it's new line of boil in the bag food products, tentatively named Boil- In Recipe Bags (BIRP). Menu items now in the planning stages are: Boil in the bag popcorn, cotton candy, Caesar Salad, gespacho, french toast, french fries, tuna surprise and instant overnight hummus. These will be available in easy to prepare large family size packages. With the previously announced, single serving product line, Young Unmarrieds Quick Kitchen (YUQK), there is no reason for any one to look any farther than the friendly resources of the GBICWWMM,L's Grumpy Kitchens for their total nutritional needs. Both YUQK and BIRP will be relaesed, along with the Grumpy Bachelor Spring Collection, sometime this November or early February. NEXT WEEK: The GBICWWMM,L announces its family reunion size easy to fix line of picnic meals; Great American Servings (GAS). George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and columnist for the Mount Vernon News. He might be grumpy about being a bachelor but the rest of the world should be thankful that the family line stops with him.
|