The Selling of the Halfmast Tavern

     It was last Tuesday, as I recall, although I am not very good at that anymore, that Cujo Mike came running into the kitch ... that is world headquarters of the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd all excited and out of breath.
     "Magillicuddy is selling the Halfmast!" There was a dead silence for a full minute. In fact, it was more than a minute since there was no one in the office.
      Everybody had gone out to the Grumpy Memorial Excercise Field to watch Head Cheerleader Coach Thomas "Red" Ruffensor run his cheerleaders through their "Whips and Chains" routine. The routine was called that because it was designed to "whip" the crowd into a frenzy by getting them to do a variation on the wave called the "chain."
      To do the "chain" everybody in the stands links arms and sways back and forth violently until every one, including the opposing team, is sea- sick. It is designed to be a powerful defensive tool for our teams, if we ever get any at the Grumpy U.
      We were all feeling pretty woozy when Cujo came running out on the field with his news. "Red" felt that by the time we went through the whole routine again everybody would have wanted to skip lunch, so he called practice for the day, but handed out those little airline bags, just in case. Then he dismissed the cheerleaders to the break tent, set up over by the stands.
      "I just heard that Magillicuddy is going to sell the Halfmast Tavern!" Cujo repeated now that there were people to hear him.
      We were all aghast at the news (and from the "Whips and Chains" routine) and queried him further.
      "Why did she sell it? What's going to happen to it?"
      "I dunno, I dunno," answered Cujo as he sat down on the grass and tried to set fire to the exercise field.
      "Somebody get Mr. Kent!" I cried out, "This is a job for a reporter!"
    &n bsp; We found Mr. Kent over by the break tent. He was sitting there with a big grin on his face, staring intently at several of the resting cheerleaders, one of whose outfits had started to smolder.
      "Mr. Kent! We need you for a very important job!" Mr. Kent jumped up to attention.
      "We need you to find out all you can about the selling of the Halfmast Tavern!"
      "Yes." replied Mr. Kent, "I will find out all I can about the selling of the Halfmast Tavern!" And with those words he started running and stumbling with his shirt half pulled over his head, toward one of the port-a- johns. I don't know what it is about getting an important assignment that always makes Mr. Kent head for the men's room, his enthusiasm, I guess.
      I turned to Cujo and said. "Have you talked to Magillicuddy?" (Hey I am a "reporter," too)
      "Nah! I couldn't find her. I don't know where she is."
      "So how did you find out about it?"
      "Well, I was going into the Halfmast and the new owner was walking out."
      "(IN UNISON) THE NEW OWNER!"
      "Yes," retorted Cujo, "She said her name was Kitty Longbranch!"

NEXT WEEK: Hear Mr. Kent say. "Yes, She said her name was Kitty Longbranch!" NOTICE TO ALL GRUMPY FANS (BOTH OF YOU): The Grumpy Bachelor Web site is now at http://grumpybachelor.iwarp.com . SECOND NOTICE: The Grumpy Bachelor now has his own radio show. Tune in to WKCO "Radio Free Kenyon" 91.9 FM on Sundays from 11a.m. to 1 p.m.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and writer for the Mount Vernon News. He's all that and has a web site too. And NOW he tells us he's going to be on the radio. You can't go anywhere any more without stepping in the Grumpy Bachelor.