The Bachelor Living Room

     Recent studies done by experts in the field and an article in last Monday's Lifestyle page tell us that the living room is dead in modern America. Changing lifestyles, priorities and the general pace of life account for this change in attitude, we are told.
      I, for once in my life, am well ahead of this latest development in modern living. My living room has not been suitable for living for several years, if not decades; it depends on who you ask. But it's not just me. I have done a study of my own and polled the bachelors down at the Halfmast Tavern about their "living rooms." Here are the results.

Cujo Mike: "I have taken the room that once served as a living room and put it to a different use. It is now a fireplace. That is, it is the place where I practice lighting fires. It was perfect for that purpose since it was the largest room in the house. All I needed to do was add asbestos wallpaper. And, since I write a fortnightly column for the GBICWWMM,L's "Wasting Time Magazine," called "Starting Fires For Fun and Profit," I can now write off my former living room as a business expense."

West Sandusky Fred: "I use my ex- living room as a storage area for my large sports memorabilia collection. At first, I didn't need that much space since my collection consisted of Cleveland Indians World Series collectables. When I realized that my collection wasn't going to grow very fast, I started collecting stuff from other sports. Pretty soon, my pool table was completely covered which made it hard to sleep. Then, one day I realized that my so-called living room was filled with worthless junk and if I could get rid of that I would have room for my sports collection. So with the help of Cujo Mike and the Gambier Fire Dept. I was able to make room for my burgeoning collection of old jerseys, souvenir beer cups and giant "We're Number One," foam hands. Now my pool table is cleared off and I sleep much better."

Mr. Kent: "I have turned my living room into a 'Fortress of Solitude.' It is a place where I can go to be away from crime and disasters and just lounge around, wearing nothing but my cape.

Miss Penny Hainey: "I have just moved into a new house and had an opportunity to decide from the outset how to use the room that was described to me as the living room. I use it for storage. The first thing I did was to store several buckets of white paint. I found that by spreading the paint on the walls, I saved a lot of shelf space. I also had a lot of other stuff that I seldom used and would fit perfectly into the living/storage room. So I currently have a sofa, several easy chairs, a rug a coffee table and some pictures stored in my living/storage room."

Mac Murphy: "I define living room in a slightly different way than most people. I use my living room to store things that help me keep on living. Canned food and guns mostly. Also some batteries and camp lanterns, barreled water, survival manuals and a do-it- yourself surgery kit from the GBICWWMM,L.. Ain't no commies gonna take over MY sofa, buster!"

NEXT WEEK: Something better, I promise.

George Breithaupt is a photographer and weakly columnist for the Mount Vernon News. We KNOW that his column will be better next week. He's on vacation!