The Bachelor Life

    I can't tell you how many times some one has come up to me and said, "Grumps, what are the benefits of the bachelor life?"
      My response is usually a kick in the shins. I don't like to be called "Grumps." "Mr. Grumpy" or "Sir" will do nicely, thank you.
      With that out of the way, I will now make some attempt to answer the question, stupid as it seems to me. Let me rephrase that. I don"t mean that I intend to give a stupid answer. What I mean is that, to me, the answer to the question is rather obvious, making the question rather silly. If I seem to be somewhat annoyed by the whole subject I am; they don't call me "Grumps" for nothing.
      Now that THAT is out of the way, let's see if I can't finally get around to the subject at hand, which is: "What are the benefits of the bachelor life?".
      Now there's a nicely phrased question, if you ask me, direct and to the point. No shilly-shallying around, no sir! A question that leaves no doubt about the meaning. A question that will go down in history as being better stated than the answer I intend to give.
      With those preliminaries out of the way, let's get to the answer to this beautifully stated question. The benefits of the bachelor life are, in a word, freedom and independance. OK, that's two words, but you know what I mean. (I told you the answer wasn't going to be as good as the question!) What it amounts to is that living alone let's one do things that one wouldn't be able to do if one were married to/living with another one.
      Now that I have gotten the answer out of the way let's get on with the funny stuff. Here is the Grumpy Bachelor's (AKA Mr. Bachelor, sir) list of things you can do, only if you live alone.

  • Eat cold popcorn for breakfast
  • Have cold pizza and warm cola for breakfast
  • Eat icing out of the can
  • Have more than one dog that's bigger than a mop head
  • Fix your socks with duct tape
  • Read in the dark
  • Wear your ballcap to bed
  • "If I can find my Lysol, I won't have to do the laundry until next month"
  • Use dishwashing liquid as liquid shower soap
  • Eat Raman Noodles right out of the pan
  • Leave dresser drawers and kitchen cabinet doors open all the time
  • Leave you teeth on the kitchen counter to soak
  • Leave your teeth on the coffee table for any reason
  • Put socks in the oven to dry
  • Have seven or eight half- full jars of grape jelly in refrigerator
  • Keep 1/2 inch of milk in the carton forever
  • Dry socks in the microwave
  • Cook pot pie in the clothes dryer
  • Subscribe to any magazine that interests you; especially the articles
  • Cook with beer
  • Replenish the Grumpy Bachelor First- Aid Kitª on a weekly basis (if you don't understand this one, refer to last years 'Preparing For Winter" column. If you can't find the column send $1,000 and a SASE for a reprint.)
  • Wear socks to bed
  • Toast baloney sandwiches in fireplace
  • Eat baloney sandwiches
  • Write a bachelor column

NEXT WEEK: Cleaning my car, ears and fingernails.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and columnist who meanders to a different drummer for the Mount Vernon News.