Christmas Shopping For The Bachelor

     It is usually about this time of year that, traditionally, I give my shopping hints for the grumpy bachelor in your life. (When I say traditionally, I mean that I did it last year, too. I have only been doing this for 2 years, although it seems much longer.) So, once again you happy readers, here is my annual, pre-millenium Grumpy Bachelor shopping hints column.      The top item on anyone's gift list for any grumpy bachelor has to be shop cloths. A forty-pack should fill all his wash cloth, dish-rag, placemat, napkin and handkerchef needs for at least six months. If you happen to be dating a grumpy bachelor, this is probably the last gift you will ever need to buy him. I can almost assure you with complete confidence that in six months you will not even admit that you have ever heard of him, much less dated him. One final hint regarding the shop cloths: don't get the red ones. They are really a light red (nearly pink). If he ever washes them (a 25 per-cent chance) they will definitly be pink. NEVER, EVER buy anything pink for a bachelor, whether he is grumpy or not. The blue ones are almost as bad, but some will turn to grey when washed. But buy him the grey ones at the outset, because he will probably never wash them.
      Number two through 125 on the list is a satellite TV dish. I know I mentioned this item last year. But since I haven't received one yet, I will mention it again. If, by some chance you did buy one for YOUR grumpy bachelor, this is the perfect time to buy some peripherals. These include a 55- gal. drum of cheese puffs, a caramal popcorn popper, a beer cozy (keg size), a belly tray for eating pizza while watching TV (or surfing the Internet), a year's supply of dish washing liquid (1.5 oz. trial size), a TV remote that also mixes a martini and/or a 4 1/2 minute video tape of "The Greatest Moments in Cleveland Indians's Post- Season Play."
      It is also my custom to advise on gifts that should never be purchased for a grumpy bachelor. They are:

• A book
• A tie
  
• A shirt with sleeves
  
• Underwear with legs
  
• Eating utensils made of any kind of metal
  
• Any name-brand laundry detergent.
  
• Any solid hand cleaner
  
• Shampoo (He's got a 15 gal. drum of waterless hand cleaner somewhere in the garage or workshop)
  
• Any kind of prepared popcorn without artificial cheese or taco powder on it.
  
• A gift certificate
  
• A cat
  
• A gift certificate for a cat

     Before I end this column there are a few things I want to mention to certain people (you know who you are):

• A new hard drive
  
• A 35-inch TV
  
• A floor to ceiling stereo system.
  
• The afore-mentioned satellite dish
  
• A Ferrari

A word to the wise,eh?

NEXT WEEK: The results (if any) of this week's column.

George Breithaupt is a photographer, copy editor and weakly columnist for this newspaper. After reading this week's column, several words come to mind, but they don't do him justice and we couldn't print them anyway.