The GBICWWMM,L Saves The World

     Well, we all had quite a laugh when it was over. But we were a little concerned for a while. Turns out it was a wrong number. Ol' Bubba called us at the Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World-Wide Mega- Monopoly, Ltd. thinking it was the Pentagon. It seems that he was considering the use of nuclear weapons on an unnamed Eastern European country. (In the interests of national security, we all signed a pledge of secrecy and cannot divulge the name of the Serbian nation in question.)

But for awhile there, we thought that the fate of the free world was in our hands. No such luck. We were not destined to make history by having to decide whether or not to use nuclear weapons in earnest for the first time since the end of World War II. On the other hand, it just goes to show you how lucky the world really is. If Cujo had answered the phone the world would have been doomed. Imagine, if you will, the largest fireball this side of the sun, in the hands of a "reformed" arsonist!

As it was, Cujo, when he heard what the call was about, just sat in the corner mumbling over and over, "I wanna light the fuse! I wanna light the fuse!" Not that any of the rest of us took it much better. Mr. Kent kept running around the kitch ...uh... world headquarters shouting."Where is the nearest phone booth, please?

Miss Penny began whipping up industrial size batches of hardtack (her speciality) and creamed chipped beef. West Sandusky Fred played pool with such a vengence that he actually skewered the cue ball, and Mac Murphy started making up what looked like a list of names. But eventually, it all got straightened around and when it was all over we laughed so hard we wet ourselves. In fact, as I look back on the incident as I write it down, I feel like wetting myself and I'm not even laughing.

When we were through mopping up, we sat down and considered our brush with destiny. and it got us to thinking about what we, at the GBICWWMM,L could do to make some contribution to the welfare of the world? (or "well- being of the world" as we wound up calling it just to calm Mac down).

I am not, for one second, going to try to tell you, my Highly Intelligent readers, that the GB's Spring Collection will contribute anything to society except for that extremely small portion of it known as my bank account. Thus, from a totally meaningless and random act of stupidity; from an incident that never should have happened, was born the Grumpy Bachelor University.

NEXT WEEK: The Grumpy Bachelor enters the world of hyer ejukashun.

George Breithaupt may be a photographer, copy editor and writer for the Mount Vernon News, but we were right about the hamster, who wrote this column. OK who had the hamster in the pool? Hey! Wait a minute! You can't bet against yourself! No fair! Oh! Can we hire ... uh ... keep the hamster?