The Grumpy University      

The Grumpy Bachelor International Cartel and World- Wide Mega-Monopoly, Ltd., is proud to announce it's latest venture. The GBICWWMM,L will soon be opening the Grumpy University, a new concept in higher education, dedicated to the enrichment of everyday life. The GU faculty members are county-renowned for their experience in daily living and will share the secrets of their desperate lives with students at the university. Courses are listed by academic department with course name, instructor and times and days classes meet. Some courses require lower level courses be taken and passed or other special requirements be met. These are listed under "prerequisites."

COURSES OF STUDY


History/Government:
Keep your cotton-pickin' hands off of me!
Instructor: Mac Murphy.
M W F 2:30-2:35 (or whenever he feels like it because no dag nabbed bureaucrat is gonna tell him when he can teach a class.)
A short history of the benefits of governmental intervention into the lives of honest, hard-working, salt- of- the- earth citizens. Classes generally run 5- to-10 minutes and are usually cancelled after the second day.

The Civil War Through Photography: A Personal Recollection
Instructor: Virgil Shipley. Professor Emeritus
M T W Th F, 7:30 a.m. with 2-hour break for breakfast at 7:45.
A look at the American Civil War through the eyes of a photographer. Shipley recounts his experiences of the Great Conflict through his photographs and vague recollections. Classes generally run from 1 to 6 hours.

The Administration of Ronald Reagan: Socialism or Communism?
Instructor: Mac Murphy.
M T W Th F Sa Su 7- 11:30 a.m.with lunch break and resuming from noon to 8:30 p.m.
A revisionist history of the presidency of Ronald Reagan from an instructor with a very unique point of view.

Phys. Ed/Journalism
Page Design and Layout Theory: Getting Your Fingers in Shape
Instructor: West Sandusky Fred.
Prerequisite: Pre- Frontal Lobotomy
M T W T, 7:30 - 11:15 a.m.; F, 5 - 9:05 p.m.
A unique class featuring finger exercises designed to reduce or eliminate debilitating injuries while using a keyboard. Also some design theory. Students must supply own Prozac.

Attaining Cardio-vascular Fitness by Hanging Out at the Laser Printer.
Instructor: Grumpy B.
Hours by arrangement.
An independant study course involving a look at what some people; namely the instructor, think of as exercise.

Copy Editing as Masochism
Instructor:G rumpy B.
M Th Sa, 11:45 a.m. to 12:01 p.m.
Prerequisite: Head injury or congenital memory problems.
Course attempts to answer the question, "So you want to be a copy editor, eh?" Students should have a thick hide and a Grumpy Bachelor First-Aid Kit™.

How to be A Professional Intern
Instructor: Evvie McShannon
M T W Th F (June through August only)
This course offers tips and advice on how to be a perpetual intern and never have to get a real job.

How to Retire on Royalities From A Weekly Newspaper Column at the Age of 96
Instructor: Grumpy B.
T Th 11:34 to 11:43
(Note: Course not scheduled to start until May 2044)

Sports/Physics< /b>
Applying Quantum Mechanics to Hitting, Kicking and Throwing Things
Instructor: Thomas "Red" Ruffensor
M T W Th F 7:45 to 11:47 a.m. (except during good golfing weather)
Prerequisite: Advanced Calculus
An in-depth study of using advanced mathamatical techniques to hit a baseball farther, shoot a basketball more accurately and knock out the maximum number of teeth with a hockey stick. It is suggested that students have a scientific calculator and dental insurance.

Cheerleading 101
Instructor: Thomas "Red" Ruffensor
Tonight 9:30, My place
Advanced cheerleading techniques, such as jumping, basic rhyming and talking in a high pitched voice.

Writing sports articles good and getting into games free.
Instructor: Thomas "Red" Ruffensor.
M T W Th F, 7:52 to 12:01 (except during good bowling weather)
Course deals with proper use of spell-check and press pass.

Sports Photography as a Hobby
Instructors: Moe, Larry, Curley
Prerequisite: Owning any kind of camera.
The art of shooting exciting sports photos and taking names at the same time. Includes film loading techniques and looking through correct end of camera.

Home-Ec/Daily Living
The Value of Carbon in the Daily Diet
Instructor: Miss Penny Hainey
First Wed. of each month after full moon, 11:45 p.m. to midnight
Proper techniques for burning toast and other temporarily edible substances.

Getting Up in the Morning
Instructor: Grumpy B.
T W Th 2:30 to 3:15 p.m.
Prerequisite: Going to Bed in the Evening
Examines techniques that make getting up easier. Techniques include such time saving, night-before preparations as taking off socks and pants at same time and putting cigarettes, eyeglasses and teeth in same place. Morning exercises include stubbing toes at least five times and using cola to get enough caffeine into your system to make the coffee without hurting yourself.


Next Week: Summer Vacation

George Breithaupt is Associate Professor of photography and writing at the Mount Vernon News.