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          The Lake Vernor News-Herald & Courier Gazette and Weekly Shopper's Sheet
October, 2001


Grumpy buys a truck
Crime Log and Club Notes

By THE GRUMPY BACHELOR
Staff Sheet Writer   

 I  bought a truck; a pickup. I am 53 years old, have lost most of my teeth and have a pot belly. I figured I might as well have a pick-up, too. And it's not one of your la-de-da, quarter-ton, lollipop colored, automatic everything, air-conditioned showpieces with a stereo system that would put the Polaris to shame. No sir! It's a grumpy truck through and through. In fact I call it "The Grump Truck." It's a 1986 half-ton Dodge Ram, slant-6 with 3-speed manual transmission. And it comes fully equiped with everything it needs to run ... and nothing more. It's grey and rust colored ... and the grey is faded in spots. My transition from a big-city, sophisticated urbanite to down-home country boy is complete. I truly am home now.

And happy as a clam about it, too. But now there comes the question of what to do with it. Any old car- of which I have had many- would get me to work (86 percent of the time, so far, a B+ in my book) so what is the point, other than vanity (of a sort)? I have considered buying some used furniture to put in the back so that it would look like I was hauling something. And, eventually, I want to get some old pieces of duct work and maybe some old tires for variety.
     I would like to make one thing clear at this point, I don't really want to haul stuff. That's work! I just want it to look like I am doing something, well ... trucklike.So if you are moving and you think you can claim to know me, forget it. I am busy that weekend..

The Grumpy Bachelor is a freaking moron but he lets us use his kitchen to put the paper together so we print this drivvel.

    Lemual Z. Pootshuttle, 96,of West Oracle Lane, reported an unknown person entered his home sometime during the past 2 days and stole his eyeglasses.
    "I left 'em right thar on th' table," said Pootshuttle. "It's them dam squirrels again. They come in and take things when I ain't lookin'. I got squirrels in the attic ya know!"
   Lake Vernor police chief/force, Tap McLoud declined comment.
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    Sarah M. Katzenjammer, 88, of East Oracle St reported being bored and confused. Officers at the scene confirmed the report.
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    Gino Martini, 42, of North Oracle Ave, reported that someone did extensive damage to his car during the night.
    "Somebody done took a hammer to it or shumpthin'," said Martini. "The fender is all bashed in an. it looksh like summone whacked the door with a tel'fone pole. It washn't
 		like that lash nite. I got home from the Halfmast Tavern about 3:30 thish mornin an it wush alllllrih' then."
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    Lake Vernor rookie police officer Machine Gun Taylor reported someone hit the town's telephone pole during the night.
    "When I made my rounds about 3:15 this morning it was OK. I noticed that when I tried to call The Code Four Cafe and Pharmacy for some doughnuts this morning the line was dead. While I was driving around the corner to pick up the doughnuts I noticed the telephone pole was not in it's normal place, but I later found it 4 blocks away on North Oracle Ave. My doughnuts got cold while I was investigating the incident. When I find the shithead who did this, they're gonna eat some serious lead."
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Lake Vernor Dulcimer
Club Meets
(see Dul. Meeting page 46)