The Anatomy of Disaster

    LAKE VERNOR, OH -- Although it caused some much needed excitement around Lake Vernor, the collapse of the Kootahatchies Dam was, as disasters go, a bust. No pun intended. The first reports of the impending collapse of the dam raised fears that the water of the Kootahatchies River would flow into the dried up bed of Vernor Lake, causing said water to overflow the shores of our lovely little town's namesake and wreck havoc with the low-lying areas of Lake Vernor. And ALL the areas of Lake Vernor are low-lying.
    In the excitement, we all forgot that, while Vernor Lake has been dry for over 30 years, the Kootahatchies has been dry for nearly 20 years. This being the result of the river having been dammed upstream at Jethro Junction back about 1980. The whole dammed thing was just a puff of methane in the breeze. In fact, a breeze was at the heart of it all. The Kootahatchies Dam was an earthen dam and what with the river being dry all those years it was less in danger of collapse than of just blowin' in the wind.
     With all the excitement over, I returned to the news offices of the Lake Vernor News-Herald & Courier-Gazette and Weekly Shopper's Sheet expecting we would have to run the page one photo of the pile of cow flop some farmer found in his field, that bore a remarkable likeness to former president Warren G. Harding. It was either that or the giant toadstool. If I'd had a quarter, the decision would have been a lot easier.
     Little did I know, however, that the excitement was not over for the day in Lake Vernor. When I got back to the newsroom the whole place was abuzz with excitement,
     "What in the world is going on?" I asked no one in particular. When no one answered, I decided to ask some one in particular. Since the whole staff was gathered around the radio I walked over there and asked Junior Olson what in the world was going on.
     "We're listening to the radio," he answered. I could hear the dulcit tones of local radio personality Mallory "Stutz" Bearcat coming out of the radio. It was his daily talk show, "Daily Radio Talk Show." His guest this morning was Lake Vernor mayor Ricardo "Ricky" Whitehead. As Mayor Whitehead's stentorian voice hit my ears, my blood froze in horror. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!
     "Yes, Mal," I heard the mayor say, "It's true. An unknown person has bought Lake Vernor's Emma "Trixie" Danit Memorial parking lot and has announced plans to tear it down and erect in it's place an old historic mansion.
     What, Oh what is happening to our quiet little town now?

NEXT WEEK (or whenever I get around to it): They closed the parking lot and put up the Paradise Bed & Breakfast.