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LAKE
VERNOR -- Lake Vernor Mayor Ricardo Whitehead dropped a bombshell at last
night's city council meeting with the announcement that the city's Emma
"Trixie" Danit Memorial Parking Lot had been purchased
by an anonymous party.
Council-member Grumpy Bachelor (Anarchist Party.-South
Side) immediately jumped up to object.
"Mr. Mayor," he shouted, "We are
some of the most important people in this town and I would like to know
why we weren't invited to this party!"
Mayor Whitehead grabbed Council-member West Sandusky
Fred's (NL-West Side) pool cue and rapped Council-member Bachelor
out-of-order.
When Bachelor came to, Whitehead explained, "The
term 'party' refers to a person or legal entity. That means some one or
something has purchased the parking lot from the city. We don't know who
or what purchased it. That's what I mean by 'anonymous', which I explain
so's that I don't have to put another dent in Mr. Fred's pool cue."
Council-member Cujo Mike (Arsonist party-NNE
Side) then took the floor. After sergeant-at-arms L.N. (girl named
Lou) McTavish made him put it back he was allowed to speak.
"What is going to happen to the lot?"
Whitehead replied that it was going
to be torn down to make way for a brand-new historic mansion.
Council-member Mike inquired if the plans were
to burn down the parking lot. At this point Whitehead asked for any new
business.
Council-member Mack Murphy (Ultra-Right
Party-Rings of Saturn District) called for the 3476th reading of the
bill to tar and feather all Democrats, Republicans, John Birchers and
other commie-pinko running-dog lackies.
By this time, everyone had lost interest and had gone
home to listen to the radio.
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By JUNIOR OLSON
Gazette disaster reporter
(Editor's Note:
This story was dictated by Olson to rescue workers on the scene)
JETHRO JCT. -- A rumor was circulated the other
day that the Kootahatchies Dam on the Kootahatchies River was about to burst.
When word finally reached the ears of the town's authorities several days
later, alarums and klaxons were sounded.
All able-bodied men, except for the lame, halt and
feeble-minded rushed to the scene of the alleged disaster. However, upon
reaching the site, both of them decided that there was much hurrah about
nothing.
The Kootahatchies Dam has been in disuse for a number
of years, owing to a newer dam being constructed upriver at Jethro Junction.
All was not lost since a basket of beer and sandwiches
had been carefully packed for the occasion and a fine picnic was had owing
to the nice weather.
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INSIDE TODAY'S GAZETTE
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